


P.S. Kyungsoo

by appeuro



Series: Letters From the Heart [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3742438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appeuro/pseuds/appeuro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do Kyungsoo just wants to sing for a living, and all he has to do is get though training to do it. It sounds simple, but Kyungsoo finds out that nothing worthwhile is simple, especially when he is falling hopelessly in love.  (This is Kyungsoo's POV to my story Sincerely, Kai)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Welcome to P.S. Kyungsoo. This is Kyungsoo's POV to my story Sincerely, Kai. You can read this first or Sincerely, Kai first. It doesn't matter. :) Sincerely Kai is more in depth and detailed, and PS Kyungsoo is just a kind of bonus thing I wanted to try out! You don't have to read both!

Kyungsoo glanced over at the small digital clock at the bottom of the cash register. Just one more hour before he could sit down. He straightened up and smiled at the approaching customer, quickly ringing up her purchase. When finished, he handed over her bag with a friendly smile and muttered out a “Thank you” before his face slipped back into its naturally stoic expression. He sighed.

Kyungsoo took the part time job at a convenience store to help with finances at home, but the job was anything but convenient. After being scouted by one of Korea’s top entertainment companies, S.M. Entertainment, almost a year ago, his schedule had become packed. The last thing he wanted to do was stand behind a counter counting the hours go by. The job was easy, but he worked at a small convenience store outside of Seoul so that no one would recognize him from school or the training academy.

Looking at the setting sun outside, Kyungsoo hoped he’d be able to get a bus back to Seoul at a decent time.  Since there wasn't anyone in the store at the moment, he allowed his mind to wander to earlier that day when he was practicing his vocals with Kyuwan, his roommate and fellow trainee.

Kyuwan was one of the first trainee’s Kyungsoo warmed up to at the academy. He usually spent his free time with him in one of the vocal rooms practicing for whatever project he was working on. It had been a rather typical day. After class, Kyungsoo had asked Kyuwan to help him with a song he was thinking of singing with his vocal group Heavenly Voices. Kyuwan was happy to help, so they had been practicing for nearly an hour before they were interrupted by a few trainees needing to borrow the room and Kyuwan.

Kyungsoo had bowed awkwardly, muttering his name more to the floor than to the three trainees who had interrupted them. The three trainees were Oh Sehun, Kim Moonkyu, and Kim Jongin. Kyungsoo had heard all kinds of things about the three of them from other trainees. All of them were pretty popular, especially Moonkyu and Jongin. Although he had heard so much about them, he hadn’t met them in person before because they were all dancers. Vocalist and dancers didn't really mingle unless put in groups by the company, but dancers were overall more popular and well-known among the trainees.

Kyungsoo frowned when he heard them laughing at him when he left them in the training room. He was never good with first impressions. But neither were the other three because he had heard so much about them, not all good things either, especially about Jongin.

Kyungsoo blushed slightly when he remembered Jongin, and he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering to when he first saw him in the school cafeteria a few weeks after he had first moved into the dorms. His roommate Minsoo pointed him out to him.

+

 

“See that boy over there with the tan skin?” Minsoo had asked him through a mouthful of rice.

Kyungsoo looked over at the serving line and saw a lean boy with tan skin laughing with another boy who was impossibly lanky and had a huge swoop of hair covering half of his face. Kyungsoo nodded, his big brown, nearly black, eyes trained back on his new roommate.

“That’s Kim Jongin and his best friend Kim Moonkyu,” his roommate said, stuffing another spoonful of rice in his mouth. “There used to be another one named Lee Taemin, but he debuted a while ago in SHINee.”

Kyungsoo nodded, his eyes flickering back over to the two males who went to go sit at a table at the other end of the cafeteria with the other dancers.

“He looks cool,” Kyungsoo commented as he went back to eating his stew.

His friend laughed, bits of rice falling back onto his tray.

“Yeah, if you’re another dancer. He won’t give you the time of day otherwise. I hate arrogant guys like him.  I thought he was cool until I had to work with him.”

“Who are you guys talking about?” another trainee asked, interrupting the two.

Kyungsoo looked up to see senior trainee, and fellow roommate, Junmyeon standing at the table. He quickly bowed as his other roommate sat down.

“Uh, Kim Jong…in, right?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Oh, him? What about him?” Junmyeon asked, settling down into his seat.

“Nothing. I was just telling Kyungsoo about how dancers stick with dancers and vocalist stick with vocalist. That’s all.”

Junmyeon laughed.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how it goes around here. Jongin’s a really good dancer though, so I guess that’s all that matters,” Junmyeon replied, picking at the food on his tray.

Minsoo snorted.

 

+

 

Kyungsoo hadn’t run into or thought about Jongin again until he came into the training room earlier that day. He frowned when he remembered hearing him laugh at him when he left the practice room. So Minsoo was right?

Kyungsoo was startled out of his thoughts when he heard the bell above the door ring. He looked over to see his co-worker come in. He could finally leave. He tidied up the store a bit before clocking out and ran to the bus stop hoping to make the 8:00 bus. He had made it just in time.

Kyungsoo sat in an empty seat in the back and leaned his head against the window. He was so tired. He’d been training at the company for almost a year, but he still didn’t know if this was what he wanted. It was so much harder than he thought.

Fishing his cellphone out of his pocket, Kyungsoo wasn’t surprised to see that he received a text message from a fellow trainee asking him where he was. They had a group project to work on, and they wanted to rehearse tonight. Kyungsoo sighed again as he sent his group-mate a text back telling him he’d be there shortly. When he arrived back at the dorms, he immediately changed and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.

“Hey! Heading out?” His roommate Kyuwan asked as he walked in the door.

“Yeah. Group project. How was rehearsal?” Kyungsoo replied, hoping his face didn’t give away that he heard his group-mates laugh at his awkwardness when he left.

“It went great. They’re talented kids,” Kyuwan replied, rummaging through the fridge.

“Oh, we’ll that’s good,” Kyungsoo replied, making sure to put a small smile on his face.

“Yeah. I’ve known them all for a while. They’re serious about debuting, especially Jongin. The kid never stops dancing.”

Kyungsoo’s smile faltered a bit.

“Oh, really?” Kyungsoo asked, playing with the label on his water bottle.

“Yeah, I don’t know much else about him though…   He keeps to himself and is basically glued to Moonkyu’s side --the other guy I introduced you to.”

“Oh, ok. Well… I got to go. I might be back late. Don’t wait up!” Kyungsoo yelled, as he shut the dorm door behind him.

Kyungsoo took a swig of his water as he walked to the practice building. His throat had been hurting him lately, and he hoped he wasn’t coming down with a cold. He couldn’t afford to get sick. Their group evaluation was exactly a week away, and Kyungsoo had to show his best in front of the coaches. His family kept nagging him about when he would debut. He felt bad that he was worrying them with this.

Kyungsoo’s parents wanted him to go to school and be a “normal” teenager, but all Kyungsoo wanted to do was sing. After he had won a singing competition and was scouted by the company, he couldn’t say no. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. A dream opportunity.  

He had been successful at keeping his parents quiet by getting a part time job to help with finances and pay for his own training lessons, but Kyungsoo didn’t want to be a trainee forever. So, he’d do whatever it took to show his coaches that he had what it took to debut.

He sang through his sore throat and didn’t get back to the dorms until around two in the morning. And after putting his phone on the charger and setting the alarm for 6:30am, Kyungsoo quickly crawled into bed, snuggling into his pillow.

Another day down, how many more to go?


	2. Chapter 2

"You never hang out with me anymore," Kyungsoo's friend Hyunsik whined through the mobile device.

"I know, I'm sorry. I've just been so busy," Kyungsoo replied, getting off of the bus down the street from his job. He wasn't lying.

"It's okay..."

Kyungsoo felt bad. He'd been in _Heavenly Voices_ with his friends from his vocal academy for about two years, but when he got scouted and joined the company, he hadn't been able to find the time in his schedule to go and sing with them like he used to.

"I'll make it up to you. I promise," Kyungsoo said, as he walked through the convenience store doors and greeted his co-worker.

"Oh, are you at work!?"

"Shhhh... Yeah, but don't tell anyone," Kyungsoo whispered through the phone.

Hyunsik was the only person, aside from his family and the company, that knew he had a part-time job. 

"You know I wouldn't do that to you."

"I know... I'm sorry. I'm just so tired. That's all...," Kyungsoo said as he clipped on his name tag.

"I know, Soo. I'll let you get to work, okay?"

Kyungsoo hung up his phone and smoothed his hands over his clothes. He stood in front of the mirror to make sure he looked presentable and took a deep breath before heading out to start working. 

 

It was darker than usual when Kyungsoo walked out of the convenience store. He had to stay an hour later because his co-worker called to say he'd be late. He didn't mind because the store was never really busy, but Kyungsoo looked at his wristwatch, it'd be at least 45 minutes until the next bus.  All he could do was wait. He walked slowly down the street and sat down on the bench inside of the lighted bus stop. He pulled out his cell phone to kill time. When he was on his second game of solitaire, Kyungsoo heard a car honk. 

Kyungsoo didn't know anyone, so he didn't think to look up. A few moments later, he heard the car creep up slowly to the curb. Exasperated, Kyungsoo looked up with an annoyed expression, hoping whoever it was would leave him alone because he had been up since 6:30, had a headache, and just wanted to go to sleep.  But the owner of the vehicle rolled down the window, and Kyungsoo's expression changed when he saw who it was.

"Hyunsik??"

"Yeah, I came to pick you up! Come on, get in!!!" His friend yelled from the car.

Kyungsoo scrambled to get up and walk over to the car. He opened the passenger door, punching his best friend in the arm when he sat down.

"Ow! What was that for?" his best friend said, laughing as he pulled off.

"You better not have told anyone where you were going," Kyungsoo said, pouting slightly in his seat. On the inside, though, Kyungsoo was really grateful for his friend. It would have been another two hours before he made it back to the dorms.

"Of course not! You can trust me!!" his friend said, looking over at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo sighed. 

"I do..."

Kyungsoo did trust his friend. Hyunsik was actually his closest friend.  Hyunsik startled Kyungsoo out of his thoughts when he felt a warm hand squeeze his. 

"Come on. We are going out to eat. My treat! I've missed you!"

Kyungsoo was grateful that his friend changed the subject. He had been really stressed recently, and didn't need to get into an argument with the only person he could really talk to.

 

Although he was super tired, Kyungsoo was more than happy to be stuffing his face with bulgogi at the moment. It had been so long since he had a decent meal.

"So... I have good news!" his friend said, beaming from across the table.

"What? You got a girlfriend or something?" Kyungsoo replied flatly as he stuffed another piece of bulgogi in his mouth

"Nooo... Silly. You know I only have eyes for you," his friend said, laughing while making kissy faces at the smaller male.

Kyungsoo couldn't help but crack a smile at that. 

"So, what's the good news?"

"Well, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to jinx myself, but I went for an audition at CUBE entertainment a couple months ago."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened. He was kind of upset his friend didn't choose to tell him, but he kept his mouth shut anyway.

"And I got a call back today... I got in!!!" his best friend said, eyes crescent moons.

"Wow, that's so awesome! Congratulations!" Kyungsoo replied, smile wide.

Kyungsoo was shocked, but he was extremely happy for his friend. He knew how hard it was for Hyunsik to convince his parents to allow him to become a singer. There were so many times he allowed Hyunsik to stay over his house so that he could vent about how his parents didn't support his dream. Kyungsoo knew that his friend really deserved to make it big, and he had the talent to back it up.

"Thanks, Soo!" his friend said, slurping his stew.

They fell into a semi-uneasy silence. What now? What about _Heavenly Voices_ now that two of them would be busy?  Kyungsoo thought briefly about these things, but he didn't bring it up. 

"Cheers to new beginnings!" Kyungsoo said quickly, lifting his beverage into the air.

"Cheers!" his friend shouted back, clinking his cup with Kyungsoo's.

 

When Kyungsoo got back to the dorms, he went straight to the bedroom.

"Wow, where have you been?" Kyungsoo heard a voice say as he faceplanted on his bed.

He grunted, hoping that would suffice. 

"What was that?" Kyungsoo heard the voice ask.

Kyungsoo struggled to lift himself up, but before he was able to turn around, he felt hands on him. Was he being tickled?  Kyungsoo laughed and kicked, struggling to escape from the offender. 

"Stop! Stop! Please, I'm sorry! Junmyeon _Sunbaenim!"_ Kyungsoo tried to get out between laughs.

"That's what I thought."

When Junmyeon finally got off of him, Kyungsoo was gasping for air.

"I'm sorry. I was out rehearsing for the evaluation Sunday."

The lie came easily. No one really knew about what he did outside of the company, and he didn't want that to change.

"Oh, really? Well, good luck with that!" Junmyeon said as he gathered his bath items.

"Thanks," Kyungsoo replied, as he watched his roommate leave.

Kyungsoo rolled over on his back and closed his eyes. He laid there before opening his eyes to stare at the white ceiling above his head.  When will things get easier, he thought. He flailed a bit on top of his covers to release some tension before he angrily flopped over and allowed dreamland to overtake him.

When he woke up the next morning, he snuggled deep inside his covers, hiding from the sun light beaming down on his face. He pulled the covers tight, despite the hot, itchy material of his shirt. Kyungsoo realized that he must have took off his pants some time in the middle of the night because he remembered going to bed with them on.  Oh, well, he thought as he snuggled back into his covers. He loved sleeping in. He loved not having anywhere to be so early in the morning. 

Kyungsoo laid there in a near stupor. He could almost feel himself falling back to sleep, but he was jerked awake by his cell phone. Groaning he rolled over to grab it off of the floor.  It was his mother saying she received the money he had transferred over to her account yesterday. Kyungsoo was happy to be able to help his family, but... it was also so very depressing. Kyungsoo tried not to let the reminder of his family situation put a damper on his mood, so he decided to go out for a walk. Maybe some fresh air would help.

He put on a warm jacket and grabbed a bun before leaving the dorm. He shivered as the cold air hit his small frame. He was thankful that he decided to dress warm. He walked slowly through the crowded streets, everyone on their way to some place.  Where was Kyungsoo on his way to?  When he joined the company a year ago, he was so sure. But now, he didn't know where he was going or if he was even moving. He thought about all the trainees who had been there for years now, like Junmyeon. He wasn't rich enough to hang around that long. But he wanted to be a singer. Was four, five, six years, what was needed?

Sighing, Kyungsoo took a seat on the steps in front of the Han River. He had come to like this place during this time of the year. It was pretty quiet and peaceful. He sat there just enjoying the scenery. He shared a few pieces of bread with some stray birds, watched people walk their dogs, and... 

Jong...in?

Kyungsoo tried not to stare, but he could recognize that tanned figure with horrible posture, despite being a dancer, anywhere. Kyungsoo took to snuggling deeper in his coat and staring at the river. He was still kind of bitter about their first meeting, but he wasn't one to hold grudges.  He watched the figure continue walking after he had passed him. Kyungsoo's heart deflated. Did Kyungsoo really expect him, _the Kim Jongin_ , to notice him after that super awkward introduction the other day?

Yeah, Jongin had turned into T _he Kim Jongin_ after hearing about him from another trainee in vocal class.

+

"So, I heard they will be debuting another group soon."

Kyungsoo looked over at the trainee standing next to him. 

"Oh, really? I haven't heard anything," Kyungsoo replied as he put his sheet music on the stand.

"Yeah. I have my sources... but I heard these evaluations coming up are crucial because it'll tell them whether we are ready to debut or not."

Kyungsoo nodded. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but he was sweating a ton on the inside.

"Wow, that's great. I probably won't be considered because I am a new trainee, but I hope you get the chance!" Kyungsoo added with a smile. 

He was always supportive of his fellow trainees. He didn't want any trouble.  The trainee next to him scowled briefly, not used to encouragement from other trainees. 

"Yeah, well, I definitely know that that dance trainee Kim Jongin is going to debut soon. He's like the company's golden boy or something. They'd fuckin' bend over backward for him, I swear! I hope I don't debut with him. It'd be such a pain. I'm sure he'd make trouble for the group if something didn't go his way," t he trainee said, thinly veiled disdain in his eyes. 

Why didn't anyone seem to like Jongin, Kyungsoo wondered. He wanted to ask, but his vocal teacher walked in, and he'd probably never speak to or see Jongin again anyway, so he dropped it.

+

But then Kyungsoo _did_ see Jongin again in the training room with his best friends, and maybe he wanted him to notice him and come over because he kept thinking about the figure long after he was gone, and he couldn't help but recall Jongin's almond shaped eyes and dancer's physique under the t-shirt and skinny jeans he was wearing that day.  Maybe Kyungsoo wanted Jongin to come over because he had noticed the way Jongin had looked at him while he had gathered his things to leave. He swore the boy's eyes lingered on him longer than necessary.

Or maybe Kyungsoo was just lonely. He had been training at the company for a year but hadn't really made any friends his age there. Minsoo and Junmyeon were cool, but they were ultimately older than him. Hyunsik would always be his closest friend, but he couldn't relate to half the things he was going through at the company.   Kyungsoo shook the dancer out of his head as he walked back to the dorm to get ready to rehearse with his group mates for the day. He had an important evaluation he needed to prepare for. Maybe the coaches would see something in him even though he was a "new" trainee. 

Maybe if he worked hard enough, he could debut with Jongin.


	3. Chapter 3

_Shit!_  Kyungsoo had completely forgot about the evaluation when he told his boss he could work.  _Fuck!_

Kyungsoo closed his eyes, willing himself not to over stress. There was no way he could work. Plus his throat had been feeling a little swollen because of all the rehearsing. Walking quickly to the kitchen, Kyungsoo was in search of water. He needed water, and he needed it right now. He debated trying to work before the evaluation but decided to call his boss and request the night off instead.

Kyungsoo pulled the phone away from his ear, but he could still hear his boss  _bitchin'_  and moaning about how he should have notified him earlier because now he had to find a replacement. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes as he guzzled down the rest of his water.  When he finally got off the phone, he sighed.

"Who was that?"

Kyungsoo nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice. He turned around to see Kyuwan walking through the doorway.

"Uh... no one... Just my Mom nagging about something...," Kyungsoo stammered out while scratching the back of his neck.

"Figured. Moms are good at that," Kyuwan replied as he rummaged through the fridge.

Phew.

"Yeah..." Kyungsoo said, chuckling a bit. 

"So, ready for the evaluations. Yours is tonight, right?"

"Yeah... I think it's at 4:30..." Kyungsoo replied, filling up another glass of water.

"Mines is at 6. I think we're going to do well. I mean, we've got two of the best dancers on our team." Kyuwan said, smiling from behind his cup of orange juice.

Kyungsoo wished he was as confident as Kyuwan. After the rumor of the new boy group debut, he'd been on pins and needles ever since. Plus, his throat had been acting up. Of all days...

"Well, lucky you. I'm kind of nervous though...," Kyungsoo said, trailing off.

"Don't be! You'll be fine," his roommate said, slapping him on the back as he walked out of the room.

"I'm about to head down to their dorm. You wanna come? They're around your age," his friend yelled from the hallway.

Kyungsoo stiffened. Go to Jongin's dorm? He imagined himself going down there and being awkward all over again and decided against it. But... he really did want to see Jongin... I mean, Jongin's dorm.

"Ahh... Sure! I'll come down just to say hi," he replied quickly, putting his glass in the sink and sprinting to the bedroom to throw on some decent clothes.

When he was ready, they both went up the four floors to Kyuwan's group mate's dorm. Kyungsoo was mentally telling himself it wasn't a big deal as they walked down the long corridor. When Kyuwan knocked, Kyungsoo almost told him that he had to go, but he just stood awkwardly behind his friend. After a few moments, the door opened, but it wasn't Jongin who answered, it was his other roommate Sehun. Kyungsoo bowed slightly to the other boy as they were waved in.

"Hey, Sehun! This is Kyungsoo. Remember?" his roomate asked, making himself comfortable on the only couch in the room.

"Oh, yes," The taller boy said, bowing to Kyungsoo.

"Hello. I'm Sehun. Dance trainee."

Kyungsoo was taken aback. He didn't expect him to be so polite. Bowing back, Kyungsoo added he was a vocal trainee. Sehun told him to make themselves at home. He had just been watching TV when they came down. Kyungsoo looked briefly around the place. It was much messier than his own dorm, but it felt like home. As he sat down on the small couch, he wondered where Jongin was.

"So, where are the conjoined twins?" Kyuwan asked, almost as if he had read Kyungsoo's mind. Sehun was rummaging through the cabinets for what Kyungsoo presumed were snacks.

"Uh.... I think they went out earlier. I don't know when they'll be back though," the younger male replied.

Kyungsoo didn't know how to feel at the news. He kinda wanted to see Jongin, and was he jealous? Jongin and his friend seemed to _always_  be together. He tried to keep from sulking as Sehun, Kyuwan, and he made small talk around the television. Sehun turned out to be a really cool guy. He was a little shy, like Kyungsoo, but funny and quirky. Kyungsoo liked him.

When a few more trainees dropped by, none of them Jongin, Kyungsoo decided to make a quiet exit, stating that his group's evaluations were in a couple of hours. It wasn't, but Kyungsoo wasn't interested in socializing anymore. He slumped against their dorm door when he left, and ran nimble fingers through his short, black hair. He needed to keep it together.

 

After a quick run to the store to buy pears and honey, Kyungsoo got to making a concoction that his grandmother used to make that was supposed to help with sore throats. As it cooled down, he decided to pop in a movie, and he hoped that the two together would help him relax. Kyungsoo found himself asleep less than an hour in, and when he woke up, he panicked slightly, thinking he was running late for evaluations, but he had about an hour till, so he ran a nice hot, steamy shower.

Kyungsoo stood under the hot stream and mentally prepared himself. Taking a deep breath as he towel dried his hair, Kyungsoo looked at himself in the mirror. He couldn't help but think he was looking a little gaunt. His eyes seemed even rounder, his skin paler than usual as well. Kyungsoo blamed it on the schedule. After evaluations, he promised to take better care of himself, maybe even lessen his hours at work.  He shouldn't be suffering like this, he thought.

 

Kyungsoo slowly made his way to the building that held evaluations. He hated that building, but trainees, especially new trainees, had evaluations at least once a month, so he came to know the building well. Kyungsoo met up with his group outside of the evaluation, but being with them didn't make him feel anymore comfortable. When it was their turn,  Kyungsoo tried to gather all of his courage, but he knew all was in vain when he looked into the coaches' faces, cold and indifferent. Kyungsoo's throat closed up, and he was finding it harder to breath. He tried looking over at his group mate's, but they weren't fairing much better. Kyungsoo tried to tell himself to get it together, but when he heard himself sing off pitch, his self-esteem plummeted, and he struggled for the rest of the performance. 

The coaches made sure to let them know each and every one of the mistakes they made, especially chiding Kyungsoo for straining his voice like that. Kyungsoo couldn't wait to get out of that room, and he could tell his group mates wanted to leave too.  When the coaches were finished, Kyungsoo knew he didn't have a chance at debuting. He quickly bowed to the judges before leaving, and as he was about to turn and walk away, Kyungsoo felt himself bump into someone.

He bowed deeply to the person he bumped into, seeing that it was Jongin's friend. The guy didn't pay Kyungsoo any attention, as expected, but Kyungsoo didn't have much time to be offended because as he was turning away, he caught, out of the corner of his eye, Jongin bowing to him, but to keep from becoming flustered and causing even more of a commotion, Kyungsoo literally ran in the other direction down the hallway. And he forgot all about the horrible evaluation. Did Jongin just bow to him?  

Kyungsoo parted with his group mates and made his way back to the dorm. He couldn't help the small smile on his face when he shut the door behind him. Jongin bowed to him. He gave him the time of day. Kyungsoo didn't want to see any of his roommates at the moment, so after a shower, he threw on a jacket and made his way to the roof. He had discovered the place a few weeks ago when he saw someone come down.

Making his way over to the eastern most edge, Kyungsoo sat on a raised vent. He watched the lights go on and off in the various buildings, and he made up lives for the people who lived in them. Eventually, he got to thinking about his own life. He was more bummed out about the evaluation than he thought. How would he tell his parents that he'd probably be a trainee for years? Which meant that he'd be working part time for longer than he planned, and his throat hurt, and Hyunsik was moving on, and the thought that things were becoming too much, too complicated, crossed his mind.

Kyungsoo swung his legs back and forth, his tennis shoes scraping against the gravel. He sighed. He didn't want to cry, but nothing was going right, and this wasn't what he wanted. He just wanted to sing. Not worry and stress over stupid evaluations, money, or boys with bad reputations. Kyungsoo looked at the sky-line. It was so beautiful. He couldn't help but be a little jealous. Then he heard someone walking toward him. Kyungsoo just wanted to be alone. He was having a bad day, and the last thing he wanted was a problem. He looked up, ready to face whoever it was, but he wasn't ready to see the one person he didn't expect to see. Kyungsoo was stunned, speechless. His swinging legs stilled, and he waited. 

"Hi. I'm Kim Jongin."

Kyungsoo didn't know how he managed to stand, bow, and reply, but he did.

"Oh. I'm Do Kyungsoo."


	4. Chapter 4

Kyungsoo looked over at the other male and saw the faint blush of pink across his cheeks and his dark brown hair was slightly disheveled, probably from his evaluation. Kyungsoo was so overwhelmed by the sight in from of him that he completely shut down as to not embarrass himself in front of Jongin. Kyungsoo didn't trust himself to speak. He couldn't predict what might come out his mouth, like how he sort of, kind of, had this teeny tiny, ridiculous, crush on him. No, he couldn't afford for that to slip out. So, before he could say anything stupid, Kyungsoo was walking away. He didn't even dare look back when he heard a faint  _Stay_  carried on the night air. 

When he was safe behind the metal door separating him from Jongin, Kyungsoo mentally kicked himself.  _What was that_ , he thought. Now, Jongin would think that he was even more weird than when they first met. He sighed as he trudged down the stairs. He blew the chance to talk to Jongin. But wait, did Jongin just introduce himself to Kyungsoo? 

Kyungsoo flailed on top of his bedspread as he remembered their short encounter on the roof. He was half elated half deflated. Yes, Jongin spoke to him, but he brushed him off. Do Kyungsoo just brushed off Kim Jongin. What was he thinking? When he finished mentally berating himself, Kyungsoo flipped over on his back. When did he become so effected? Why Jongin? Maybe it was his quiet, but overwhelming aura. Maybe it was his tanned skin, the small dimple in his chin, all of it so different from his own milky skin and boyish charm. Kyungsoo wanted more, to know more about him. Kyungsoo had small crushes before, but he hadn't had any recently. He just didn't have the time to get into a relationship. Of course, Kyungsoo believed he could fall in love with the right person, whoever that may be, but right now, he was attracted to Jongin, and he really didn't know why.

Thoughts of the evaluation crossed his mind later that night as he was snuggling into his covers after a hot shower, but Kyungsoo tried not to think about what it meant. Of course, he wouldn't be considered for debut with the next boyband now, but he tried not to become discouraged. He tried not to think about what his parents might say when he told them that they were right. No, they weren't right. He'd debut as a singer. He'd do anything.

So, Kyungsoo went to bed vowing to work hard from now on, and he dreamt of Jongin on the rooftop under the starry night sky.

 

"So..."

"So...," Kyungsoo replied to his best friend as they had just finished putting away the stuff from their _Heavenly Voices_  practice.

Kyungsoo and Hyunsik had broken the news about Hyunsik joining CUBE to the other two members of  _Heavenly Voices_. They took it well considering they'd all be graduating soon anyway. They decided to hold one more performance for their school's Spring Festival and then disband. Kyungsoo was sad, but he knew the time would come sooner or later.

"So... how did the evaluation go? I know you were kinda stressing about it?" His best friend asked, flopping down on the worn couch in the studio.

"It could have gone better," Kyungsoo replied, tussling his hair slightly.  _It could have gone a lot better,_ he thought.

"What happened?" his best friend asked as Kyungsoo sat down beside him.

"Nothing...," Kyungsoo said, hoping his friend would accept that, but knowing Hyunsik, Kyungsoo knew he wouldn't. So, he continued. "I dont know... my throat has been kind of sore these past couple of days, so I was kind of straining my voice, and I couldn't use proper technique."

"Oh, maybe you should get your throat checked out?"

"Nah, it's probably the cold. Plus, all the work, school, and training has probably finally caught up with me," Kyungsoo said, throwing a smile at his best friend.

"If you say so, Soo," his best friend replied, slapping Kyungsoo's knee as he got up. "Try not to work so much if you can. Find some time to relax. Get a girlfriend... or a boyfriend," his best friend added cheekily.

Kyungsoo couldn't help the blush that crept across his face. Hyunsik knew about Kyungsoo's ambiguous preferences, and he liked to throw it in his face every once in a while. Kyungsoo didn't mind because Hyunsik was pretty cool about it, but he couldn't keep his cool this time, not when Jongin popped in his head at the mention of boyfriend.

"Oh? Are you blushing. Is there someone I should know about?" Hyunsik asked as he eyed Kyungsoo up and down, a mischievous smile on his face.

Kyungsoo shook his head no, but he couldn't stop the blush or the small smile from appearing on his face.  _Damnit, Soo! Keep it together!_

"You're lying! Come on, tell me!" Hyunsik said, rushing back to Kyungsoo's side. "I promise I won't tell anyone. You can trust me," his friend said sincerely.

Kyungsoo let out a huge sigh, and he couldn't stop the glare on his face when he looked at Hyunsik who had a shit eating grin on his face.

"I knew it!"

"No! It's nothing big... It's just that I kinda, sorta, have a thing for this other trainee. It's no big deal, and I know nothing will come of it, but...," Kyungsoo said, stammering, face red and eyes looking everywhere but at his best friend.

He was relieved that he finally told someone, but that made it even more real and scary. 

"What...!!!?" Kyungsoo yelled at his best friend, exasperated by his best friend's silence. "It's not a big deal! For-forget I even said anything," he continued, making a move to get up and get his stuff. It was getting unbearably hot in there.

"Oh. My. God. Kyungsoo has a crush on someone!!!" Hyunsik exclaimed to the empty spot Kyungsoo was just sitting in. "That's so cute!!!!!" he continued, getting up and running over to hug Kyungsoo from behind.

Hyunsik laughed as Kyungsoo struggled to get out of his grasp. "Stop it. It's not cute. Get off of me!!" Kyungsoo angrily muttered from within his arms.

"Not until you tell me who it is!! Who is it? Is it a girl or boy? Is it someone in  _Heavenly Voices_?"

Hyunsik made the mistake of slacking his arms as he rambled because next thing he knew, the smaller male had put him in some kind of deathly headlock. 

"It's none of your business! And I'm not letting you go until you drop it, got it!?" 

Hyunsik had no choice but to relent. The smaller male was mighty strong. "Okay. Okay! I got it... Let me go!!" he yelled.

Kyungsoo let him go, dropping Hyunsik to the floor. He turned away to finish gathering his things.

"Can you give me a hint. Please!?" Kyungsoo heard his best friend ask in between coughs as he got up from the floor.

"Just one hint. Just one. Is it a boy or a girl? After this, I'll drop it. I swear!"

Kyungsoo mulled it over. 

"Okay. It's a boy. But don't tell anyone!" Kyungsoo tried to hide the small smile that crept its way on his face at the confession. _It's a boy named Kim Jongin, who's probably trouble, and even more likely, straight, but I like him anyway._

He was startled out of his thoughts by Hyunsik wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"Well, buddy! This is cause for a celebration! Let's go out and do some karaoke or something. My Kyungsoo is in love! Whatever shall I do?" his best friend yelled dramatically into the empty room.

Kyungsoo elbowed the other male in the rib but chuckled afterward.  _Am I in love,_  he wondered. Kyungsoo lightly shook his head at the thought. It definitely wasn't love, but he couldn't help but be effected by the other male.  _That_  he could at least admit to himself.

 

When Kyungsoo got back to the dorm, he was exhausted. Hyunsik was exhausting. Kyungsoo believed that he had enough energy for three people. He didn't even remember how they became friends. It seemed like just one day, they were best friends. Hyunsik was the complete opposite of Kyungsoo, but he was glad Hyunsik was his friend. He forced him to get out of his head every once in a while.

Kyungsoo got ready for bed. He looked at his calendar. Nothing but school, work, and training for the next month or two. His calendar was packed more than usual because he was given more vocal classes for some reason. He'd have to work something out with his boss, he lamented as he got into bed because he really needed to work on his singing if he were to have another chance at debuting. Kyungsoo tried to remind himself that training came before work.

And for the next couple of months, it seemed like all Kyungsoo did was sing and ring out customers. Fortunately, school was winding down, and he knew if he were to debut, he didn't need to worry about college. Oh, did he hear a mouthful from his parents, but Kyungsoo didn't care. This was something he really wanted to do. 

And to Kyungsoo's dismay, he didn't run into Jongin during those past couple of months. How could two people who lived in the same building never run into each other? Well, to be honest, Kyungsoo was kind of avoiding him, but only slightly so. After he confessed to Hyunsik, the realization that he actually liked someone hit him. Plus, he heard another rumor about him when he was eating in the cafeteria one morning.

+

One of the other vocal trainees sat down in a huff beside Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo looked up from his breakfast, eyes wide.

"What's wrong, Heesoo?" he asked in between bites, waiting for her to speak.

She pouted before she looked over at Kyungsoo.

"It's that Kim Jongin!!" she said, stabbing her spoon into her rice.

Kyungsoo's eyes widened at both the aggressive action and the mention of Jongin, but he didn't say anything to tip her off that he knew him.

"Who does he think he is?  I told him that my friend Seulgi liked him going on a year now and that he should ask her out, but you know what he did?" She asked, looking at Kyungsoo expectantly.

Kyungsoo shook his head no. His heart was beating faster than he liked.

"He said that he wasn't interested! He wouldn't even take her number. I can't believe it!"

Though Kyungsoo let out a huge sigh of relief on the inside, on the outside, he feigned pity, shaking his head mournfully.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, saying it more to his tray than to her. He couldn't look her in the eye.

"He's such a player. Why is he playing so hard to get now!? I didn't even want to introduce Seulgi to him, but she likes him a lot," she said, stuffing a spoonful of her breakfast into her mouth.

Kyungsoo almost choked on his rice.  _A player?_

"R-really? A player?" Kyungsoo asked timidly, afraid of the answer.

"I mean, yeah... He just thinks he is so much better than us! He never hangs out with anyone but that stupid Moonkyu. You know...," She said, pausing to lower her head down so that it was closer to Kyungsoo's. Kyungsoo leaned in.

"I heard that he is related to the Samsung family. That's probably why he gets away with so much. The only reason he hasn't debuted yet is because SM didn't want to show blatant favoritism," she whispered, raising her head and flipping her hair out of her face. "Whatever. You know what? Seulgi is way too good for him anyway!"

Kyungsoo's mind was reeling from the information. No, that couldn't be true, right? They're just rumors, he told himself as he left the cafeteria. Even so, Kyungsoo was disheartened. Maybe they weren't just rumors? What did he know? He wasn't around much to notice anyway. Plus, Jongin had been a trainee way longer than he had.

Kyungsoo mulled everything over as he walked into his dorm to get ready for class. So, Jongin was straight, a player, and rich. Kyungsoo was sure he'd never have a chance. Did he even want a chance? Kyungsoo didn't even know why he let himself have a stupid crush on him in the first place. He knew Jongin was no good from the jump.

+

When Kyungsoo went to the mandatory meeting later that night, he wasn't in any better of a mood. He stood alongside Junmyeon in the dance studio, waiting for their next assignment. He perked up a little bit when the coaches and staff walked in the room. He made sure to straighten himself up because there were more coaches and staff than usual this time.

"Okay, kids. This is broadcasting director Park Sangchul. He will be the guest evaluator for this assignment, and these are a few of his employees. They are from MBC and will be evaluating your ability to create a public friendly performance."

All of the boys bowed deeply at the guest evaluator and his employees. The speaker continued, eyeing the boys up and down.

"You will be creating an original stage. We will be looking for how public friendly the track, dance, and lyrics are. Furthermore, we will be evaluating your stage presence through your recorded performance. We will then evaluate how well you are in both individual and group interviews. Do you understand?"

A crowd of about ten voices were heard replying a formal yes. Kyungsoo was kind of startled at the noise. He'd have to work with all these people, he thought as he slumped against the wall.

"You will be split into two groups, M1 and M2". Listen for your name. M1's will stand on the left and M2 members will step to the right. Alright?"

Another mass yes resounded through the room.

"Okay. Sehun, Kevin, Kris, Minseok, and Yixing, M1."

The group of boys shuffled to one side.

"Jongin, Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Yeongho, and Kyungsoo, M2."

Kyungsoo gulped at the name Jongin. Kim Jongin? He was here? Kyungsoo looked around before stealing a glance at the taller boy who had his head turned. Kyungsoo sighed. Whatever, he thought. But he still couldn't stop his heart from speeding up a bit when he saw the other boy drawing nearer to his side of the room.

The instructors informed them that they had three months to complete their project, and so, the presentation would take place in June. They were given a small monetary budget, a video camera to monitor their progress, and free reign of the trainee facilities to record, choreograph, and hold meetings. They would also be appointed a vocal, dance, and style coach to evaluate their progress and lend their expertise. Each group was handed a packet with dates for meetings and what not, and all of the instructors and evaluators gave a customary nod before they left the room.

Kyungsoo stuck to Junmyeon's side. He didn't know any of the other group members aside from Jongin. 

"I think it's only fair that I'm the leader since I'm the oldest and have been training the longest," Kyungsoo's roomate Junmyeon declared to the small group.

Kyungsoo nodded his agreement along with everyone else. Kyungsoo didn't know how, but Jongin was standing right beside him. He could feel the other boy's body heat, and it was overwhelming to him. What happened to getting rid of that small crush, he thought to himself.

"Here is my cell phone. Everyone put your name, number, and dorm number in, and I'll send a mass text out later," Junmyeon said, handing his cell phone around. 

When it came to Kyungsoo's turn, he grabbed the cell phone from Jongin's hand, their skin brushing lightly. Kyungsoo bit his lip slightly at the touch. Jongin's hand was so warm. But Kyungsoo refused to show any emotion. He kept telling himself that he wouldn't be effected by him anymore. 

When they had finished exchanging information, Junmyeon dismissed the group, telling them to think of ideas for the project and since there were five people, there was going to be a lead vocalist, main vocalist, lead rapper, sub-rapper/sub-dancer, and then dancer. He then added that they'll discuss the responsibilities when they next meet. He bowed to them, asking for their cooperation, and Kyungsoo watched as everyone bowed back and dispersed.

Was he really going to be in a group with Jongin? What happened to avoiding him until he debuted? What happened to him giving him up. Life was cruel. Kyungsoo was startled from his inner monologue by a hand on his shoulder.

"Got a lot on your mind?" his roommate asked as they made their way out of the room.

"Yeah, just a little nervous, I guess," he replied as they walked back to the dorms.

"Don't worry. We have a really good group. Chanyeol's a pretty good rapper, and he is really outgoing.  Yeongho is young, but super passionate about dancing. And, you can't get any better than Kim Jongin. He's like the best dancer in the company," Junmyeon said with a reassuring smile.

Kyungsoo nodded and tried to give a small smile back as he entered the dorm and went to gather his belongings for a shower. What he needed was a cold shower because Jongin was a little too close today, and Kyungsoo needed to figure out a way to get over his crush.

But how could he do that now that'd he'd be working with him for the next three months?


	5. Chapter 5

Kyungsoo woke up to the sound his cell phone made when he received a notification. He squinted at the bright LCD screen. It was a text from Junmyeon telling everyone that they would have a meeting later that night. Kyungsoo dropped the cell phone on the bed beside him as he snuggled back into his covers. He closed his eyes, wishing, no, praying, that he could stop time for just a little while. He just wanted to be suspended in time and not have to move or do anything. Kyungsoo stayed like that for a couple of minutes before his alarm went off, grunting as he groped for his phone in the covers. When he effectively silenced the noise, he got up from his bed, huffing as he got ready for a day of vocal and training lessons. 

Kyungsoo took the long way to the training building. It was cold but not freezing. He wasn't in a rush to go anyway. As he made white puffs of air appear before his face, Kyungsoo thought about working with the group. Well, with Jongin to be more specific. He couldn't understand why he was so drawn to the other male. They never even had a proper conversation before, but he thought about him all the time.

He suppressed the thoughts of the other male as best as he could when he entered the training building. He couldn't afford to be distracted if he were to prove to the coaches that he was serious about doing well and debuting. His throat had been feeling a bit better as well, so he wanted to take advantage of that.

 

"No! Again!" the vocal instructor yelled at one of the trainees in the room.

Kyungsoo felt bad for the guy. It wasn't even that hard of a note. Kyungsoo tried not to grimace as the trainee's voice cracked yet again. 

"Kyungsoo! A4! Now!" the vocal instructor called out toward Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo's eyes widened. He gulped as he stood up. He cleared his throat hoping his voice wouldn't let him down now. He took a deep breath and belted the note as best he could. 

"Again," the vocal instructor said in a monotone voice.

Kyungsoo didn't know if that was a good sign or a bad sign. So, he straightened his back and projected louder.

"Yes. See! Just like that. Kyungsoo, good job. You can sit down now. See everybody!?! Follow Kyungsoo's example Jun-..."

Kyungsoo smiled to himself, but the small celebration didn't last for long. If looks could kill, Kyungsoo would have been dead and gone. He could feel the looks of envy, jealousy, and hatred on the back of his head as he sat down. Kyungsoo looked over at the trainee who was called to mimic the note he had just demonstrated, and the look he got from the other trainee in return was anything but friendly. Kyungsoo shrunk in his seat. Was Jongin like that too? Would he snicker and judge when he watched a trainee who was not as good at dancing as he was? Would he shoot daggers of envy to those who could dance better than him?

Kyungsoo hated dancing, but he knew if he were to be an idol, he would have to dance sooner or later. Would Jongin make fun of him because he couldn't dance? Kyungsoo frowned at the scenarios in his head. He thought that maybe he should ask Sehun to help him with dance. The guy seemed nice enough. But Kyungsoo shook his head. He didn't have time for extra lessons. The fear of Jongin judging him stayed in the back of Kyungsoo's head for the rest of the class. He really hoped Jongin wasn't like all the things he heard about him, but just in case he was, Kyungsoo vowed to be careful.

 

"So, what are you doing today?"

"I have a meeting later. I was put into another group project... I can't say much more than that though...," Kyungsoo said into the receiver as he cradled it on his shoulder while he pushed a few buttons on the vending machine.

"Oh... Yeah... I'm pretty busy myself. I have training lessons all day," his best friend replied.

"Yup. Welcome to my world," Kyungsoo chuckled into his phone, but he stopped short when he collided with someone.

"Hold on, Hyunsik!" Kyungsoo yelled into the receiver.

"Um... I'm so sorry! I can get you a new..." Kyungsoo said bowing at the other male who had a splash of hot coffee on his clean, white shirt.

Kyungsoo braced himself to be yelled at, hit, something, but all that came was a loud chuckle.

"It's alright! Seriously! Aren't you Kyungsoo- _shi_? I'm Chanyeol. I'm in your group"

Kyungsoo watched as the tall figure bowed before him. He bowed back, still pretty apologetic.

"Yes. I'm Kyungsoo. I'm so sorry about your shirt. Here let me pay for it..." he said, trying to juggle his phone and his coffee while digging for his wallet.

"Don't worry about it Kyungsoo... hyung? Can I call you hyung?

Kyungsoo looked up at Chanyeol. He was tall, had fairly large ears, but his smile was infectious and Kyungsoo couldn't help but smile back and nod.

"Alright, Hyung! See you tonight!"

Kyungsoo stood there in a small daze as he watched the figure take long strides down the hallway. Maybe there was hope that not all trainees were mean, he thought as he brought his cell phone back to his ear.

"Sorry about that, Hyunsik," he said as he made his way toward his next class.

"No problem. So, who was that?? You're crush!!!!?" his best friend shouted through the receiver.

"Alright, Hyung. See you tonight!!" His friend was heard taunting through the phone. Kyungsoo internally cringed, but he couldn't stop the small smile from creeping up on his face.

"No. It wasn't. Just another trainee that is in my group. Jeez. Remind me not to introduce anyone to you. Ever. Okay?" Kyungsoo said rolling his eyes at his best friend who was now making kissy noises at him.

"I'm so jealous, Soo! I thought it was always going to be you and me," his friend joked.

Kyungsoo laughed at that. He and Hyunsik always joked like that, but he never had feelings for his best friend before, and he was pretty sure Hyunsik didn't have feelings like that for him either. It was all in good fun, and Kyungsoo knew he would miss joking like that with him. When they had both debuted and were in their respective groups, Kyungsoo knew he wouldn't be able to, wouldn't have the time for, joking. He barely had time for joking as a trainee.

"Don't you have classes to attend, future idol?" Kyungsoo retorted as he sat his belongings down in his seat.

"Yes, but I'm not quite as busy as you, Mr. SM vocal trainee. I'm proud of you, you know?" his best friend said, his tone turning serious.

"I know I haven't really said that before, and I know you've been stressing lately. So, I just wanted you to know I have your back," he continued.

Kyungsoo smiled internally at the sentiment.

"Don't get all mushy on me, alright!?" 

"I'm not! I guess this is just me telling you that if you don't debut, don't come calling me asking me to drop everything and go on a cross country tour as a duo," his best friend finished, both of them laughing as they hung up.

Kyungsoo was so happy to have a friend outside of the company. He looked at the vocal trainees around him. The atmosphere was always so serious and tense. But Kyungsoo too had changed ever since he had joined the company. He was more reserved, didn't smile as much, definitely didn't laugh as much as he used to, and he never felt at home. After three, four, five years of training, would he resemble these trainees too? Would he go green with envy every time someone hit a note better than he did? Kyungsoo hoped not. He hoped he would debut before he became a bitter trainee.  Maybe everything would be different once he debuted? Maybe then he'd find his place in the world.

 

When 4:30 rolled around, Kyungsoo had just enough time to take a quick shower before heading to the meeting with Junmyeon. When they arrived at the conference space alloted to them, Yeongho, Chanyeol and Jongin were already there. Chanyeol and Yeongho waved at him, so Kyungsoo smiled back. He then looked over at Jongin, who didn't pay any attention to him. Although there was an empty seat right next to him, Kyungsoo decided to sit across from the other male. Then he wouldn't be distracted, then he'd be able to breath normally. 

The boys discussed all their respective duties in the group with Chanyeol in charge of rapping as the lead rapper, Yeongho as sub-rapper and sub-dancer, Kyungsoo and Junmyeon in charge of vocals, and Jongin was in charge of dancing. Since Junmyeon and Kyungsoo were in charge of vocals, they were responsible for writing the lyrics to the song. Chanyeol was responsible for writing the rap lyrics, and Yeongho and Jongin were in charge of the choreography. Kyungsoo was pretty happy with his position. He was glad he could work closely with Junmyeon because he could trust the older boy to have his best interest in mind.

After they figured all of that out, they needed to figure out all of the logistics of the group. Junmyeon started off the discussion by stating that since he was the leader, he would be responsible for organizing, holding and leading meetings, and approving ideas. Kyungsoo then took the opportunity to suggest that he could be a sort of co-leader, which meant managing the budget, jotting down ideas, contacting members, and making sure everyone was up to date with everything they were doing, while also reporting back to the instructor in charge of the groups.

Kyungsoo hoped no one thought he was overstepping his boundaries since he was a new trainee, but he added that it would benefit the group since he and Junmyeon were roommates and communicated all of the time. Kyungsoo thought it might be a lot to take on, but he knew he could trust Junmyeon to help him out.

Kyungsoo looked to the other members, expecting some kind of objection, but to his relief, none of the members had any, and so, Kyungsoo let himself relax a bit. The conversation then moved to the remaining members declaring their roles with Chanyeol acting as the group's liaison, communicating with engineers, producers, coaches and instructors, making sure everyone was on the page. He would also make sure they'd have studio time and time with instructors and coaches. 

Since Yeongho was the youngest, he was in charge of obtaining the food and supplies. He would make sure they were stocked during practices and recordings. He would also be in charge of ordering outfits and keeping track of them when the time came.  And Jongin. Jongin was in charge of everything visual, at least performance wise. He would monitor everyone's performances and make the most effective decisions and changes concerning everyone's performing abilities. 

Kyungsoo dared a glance over at Jongin once the discussion moved to choosing a concept for their project. While the other boys suggested concepts, he took to studying the tanned male's face. He didn't know why he couldn't look away. There was something in the other boy's eyes that had Kyungsoo captivated, especially when he finally opened his mouth to talk.

"How about we do a jazz concept?"

His voice was like velvet, a tad deep but not husky. His voice wasn't drowned out by the wind that time, and it was like honey, it was like a content cat, so lackadaisical, so nonchalant as it snuggled up against Kyungsoo's ear drums. Kyungsoo wanted so very much to agree with Jongin's suggestion. He'd probably agree to anything the male said. So much for getting rid of his crush, right? But when he came to his senses, he had his own suggestion: Summer theme.

"Uh... how about a summer theme," Kyungsoo shyly suggested. 

Pool props were really cheap, and a catchy tune was easier to make with summer in mind than with jazz. I mean, Kyungsoo really liked the idea of doing a jazz concept, but he really wanted to do well for the project and feared jazz would be too complicated and secular. It's SM for goodness sake. They practically invented K-POP. Generic is good. He looked apologetically at Jongin, but the male never looked over at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo paled as he remembered the incident with the student earlier that day.

 _Fuck!_  Did he just piss Jongin off? 

Kyungsoo's suspicions were confirmed when Jongin said not another word during the entire meeting, and  he also left rather quickly as soon as the meeting was dismissed. He didn't look at Kyungsoo once.

Kyungsoo sighed as he walked back to the dorm after yet another vocal lesson. He was beyond tired and hungry, but he still couldn't get the meeting off of his mind. He had hoped that Jongin would be different from all the other trainees. His suggestion earlier wasn't anything personal. Actually, he wanted very badly to work with Jongin on a jazz concept. He had saw the other male dancing with Moonkyu and some other dance trainees one day in an open dance studio. He stood watching a few moments, hoping to blend in with the other trainees who had also gathered around to watch.

Kyungsoo had never seen Jongin dance before, despite hearing all about it, and he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready for that at all. Kyungsoo needed more than a cold shower when he was finished watching the smooth and sensual moves the other male made with his body. Kyungsoo knew his voice would accompany his dancing perfectly, and he wanted Jongin to dance for him like that... But then Kyungsoo remembered all of the rumors he had heard about the other boy, and he chuckled to himself. What did he expect? According to all the people Kyungsoo had heard things about Jongin from, Jongin was  _exactly_  like everyone else. Why was he so shocked?

 

Later that night, Kyungsoo flopped down on his bed, but before he could relax, he heard a knock on the bedroom door.

"Yes...," he said into the air, trying not to let his irriation show. He just wanted to go to sleep.

"Hey," Junmyeon said as he entered the room.

"Good job today at the meeting. I never thought we'd be able to come up with a concept. Chanyeol is such a joker! Robot theme, what the..." he chuckled as he leaned against the bunk bed.

Kyungsoo tried to chuckle, but he was too tired to really engage.

"Thanks, _hyung_ ," he opted to say instead.

"Yeah, so...please send out the recap of the meeting today and also a reminder for the next meeting. Here are everyone's numbers and the place we will be meeting next; I wrote them down for you," Junmyeon said as he handed a small slip of paper to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo struggled to sit up.

"Thanks! I'll get right on it," Kyungsoo replied with a smile.

"Good! See you tomorrow!" the other male said as he left the room.

Kyungsoo sighed and eyed the paper. He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and took to adding everyone as a contact. He paused when he got to Jongin, his fingers sliding back and forth over the indentations on the paper. His heart sped up a little bit with every press of a button, and he hesitated to press enter after he saved the contact as Jongin- _shi_. 

He then went to composing the text and adding everyone into a group. He flopped back on the bed after he pressed send.

Kyungsoo let a small smile settle on his face when he scrolled through his contacts.

_Jongin-shi_


	6. Chapter 6

Kyungsoo nodded off under the fluorescent lights. His skin was paler than usual, and small bags could be seen under his dark eyelashes. The past week had been extremely tiring for Kyungsoo because he had to make up for lost time with the members of Heavenly Voices. They wanted their final performance together in a few weeks to be memorable, and so, Kyungsoo devoted all of his spare time to be with his soon to be ex-group members. Although Kyungsoo would miss his group members, he was grateful for the time it would free up. Maybe he could then practice more singing and possibly debut sooner. Kyungsoo smiled faintly at the possibility of debuting, but his bubble bursted when his manager hit him slightly on the top of his head with a broom handle.

"Ow!" Kyungsoo said jumping up from the counter. He rubbed his head slightly where it was sore.

"Am I paying you to day dream!?" his manager asked angrily, but he softened when he saw the haggard boy.

Kyungsoo bowed to his manager.

"I'm sorry, Boss," he said slightly as he moved to fix the products behind the counter, for the 10th time that evening.

The boss tsked. "Why don't you go home an hour early?"

Kyungsoo's eyes widened, mouth open to protest.

"Don't worry about it. You'll still be paid. It's Friday, and you've been working hard...," his boss continued, sympathizing with the boy.

Kyungsoo bowed deeply again to his boss, thanking him. 

"Now, get to work until then," his boss said sternly, handing the broom to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo saluted his boss playfully and quickly went to sweep the small store.

 

When Kyungsoo got off of work, the sun was setting but he was in a good mood. His boss never let him off early, and Kyungsoo had some sleep to catch up on. He got off the bus several stops from the dorm because he didn't want to risk anyone seeing the bus he took from his job. When he walked into the dorm, he saw Junmyeon and Kyuwan at the counter talking.

"Hey, Soo. Ready to go?" 

"Uh... What? Where?" Kyungsoo asked, toeing off his shoes in the doorway.

"To the meeting, duh?" Junmyeon replied, chuckling along with Kyuwan. "Did I make a mistake making you co-leader?" Junmyeon continued jokingly.

Kyungsoo hurriedly fished out his cell phone and balked when he saw the date. He had totally forgot about the meeting with the engineers tonight for their group. He didn't want Junmyeon to think that he was neglecting his duties, so he played it off.

"I was just joking...," Kyungsoo replied, chuckling as he looked at the two boys, hoping that they would believe him. He made sure to smile widely enough so that his eyes crinkled.

"I was just coming back to grab something I forgot," he said as he quickly walked back to the bedroom to pretend he forgot something. In reality, Kyungsoo was panicking. He felt bad, looked bad, and he didn't really have enough time to shower. He yelled that he was going to the bathroom, freshened up a bit, and was back out in the common room in record time.

"Ready, Hyung?" he said from the doorway, already heading out to go.

That was close, he thought as he waited in the hall for Junmyeon. He would have been extremely late for the meeting if his boss wouldn't have let him go early. Kyungsoo shook his head. He needed to get it together. 

Junmyeon and Kyungsoo were the first to arrive. Kyungsoo tried not to fall asleep in his chair, and straightened up immediately when he heard people come in. He relaxed a bit when he saw that it was Chanyeol, who greeted him as loud as possible. Kyungsoo smiled widely because Chanyeol's cheerfulness was infectious, but his smile slightly dropped when he saw Jongin stroll in behind the tall boy.

Kyungsoo nodded slightly at the tanned boy before turning away. Was Jongin still pissed at him? Kyungsoo shuffled the papers that Junmyeon put in front of him, hoping to distract himself. Soon enough, Yeongho entered along with the engineer, and Kyungsoo welcomed them gladly. He needed some sleep. Bad.

Kyungsoo tried to keep up with the conversation. The engineer kept asking him about the tone and pitch, and although his voice was in no shape to sing, he did so anyway. He became a bit self conscious at all of the attention, especially Jongin's, and he messed up a bit at the end of his run. He sat down and took a swig of his water, finishing with a deep breath.

Kyungsoo tried to ignore Jongin for the rest of the meeting, but he couldn't help but stop and stare when the boy became flustered when he was put on the spot by the engineer. Was Jongin embarrassed, shy? Kyungsoo was stunned. He didn't think Jongin would be the shy type. Kyungsoo really wanted to hear what the engineer was saying, but Jongin's voice was deafening, despite its soft but deep tone, and Kyungsoo wanted to listen to him instead. He sighed as he jotted down more notes, more of Jongin's suggestions.When the meeting was dismissed, Kyungsoo was exhausted. He really needed to go to sleep.

Kyungsoo was fantasizing about his comfy bed and warm covers when he was asked by Junmyeon if he wanted to go out and eat. Kyungsoo did a silent temper tantrum in his head. Why was Junmyeon always blocking him from his sleep? He wanted so bad to go back to the dorm and fall into sweet slumber in his bed, but he couldn't decline when he heard Chanyeol cheerfully call out that he and Jongin where coming. All of sudden Kyungsoo wasn't so tired.

They all got into Junmyeon's car with Kyungsoo in the front, and Jongin, Chanyeol, and Yeongho in the back seat. Kyungsoo felt bad for them, but he was glad it wasn't him crammed in the back seat, crammed up against Jongin's lean dancer body... Kyungsoo blushed at the thought, his cheeks heating up, so he opted to lean his head against the cool window while Junmyeon drove them to a Chinese restaurant. 

They got a table near the back with Kyungsoo sitting a seat over from Jongin. Not quite beside him, but closer than before. Kyungsoo didn't realize just how hungry he was until the food was placed in front of them. Despite the restaurant being known for their large portions, they ordered _jjangjanmyeon, jjampong,_ and _khanppunggi_  because they were growing boys with very large appetites. Plus, Junmyeon was buying. So, the boys decided to "spluge".

Kyungsoo wondered if Jongin was still mad at him because the boy hadn't said a word at dinner. Kyungsoo wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he wasn't that close to him, and he was scared he'd be rejected. So, Kyungsoo quietly ate his food, just happy to be out with trainees. This was the first time he had ever been out with fellow trainees before. He smiled around a mouthful of _kimchi_  as Chanyeol cracked another joke. 

Finally, the conversation turned to Kyungsoo when Jongin proved to be in a melancholy state.

"So, Kyungsoo! Where are you from?" Kyungsoo heard Chanyeol yell from across the table.

"Um... I'm from Goyang..."

"Woah! That's cool!" the boy replied.

"So, were you casted or did you audition?" Chanyeol continued.

Kyungsoo wasn't comfortable talking about himself, but he knew Chanyeol was good natured.

"I won a singing contest and was noticed from there...," he replied with a smile. 

After a few more questions, he had started warming up and joking with the other members. They were all really warm and nice, except Jongin who just ate silently. 

"Now that the song is being made, I can't wait to start on the choreography," Yeongho piped up after a while.

Chanyeol pumped his arms up and down, obviously excited to start the dancing. Kyungsoo chuckled.

"Can you dance, Kyungsoo?" Yeongho asked.

"Um... Not really. I came in as a vocal training, so quite naturally I...I just want to sing. If I had the choice, I would never dance. I hate dancing," Kyungsoo said to the younger boy.

He saw Junmyeon smile out of the corner of his eye, and Chanyeol laughed at the comment. 

"Yeah... I think the dance instructor hates me," Chanyeol said laughing, stuffing a bunch of noodles in his mouth.

Kyungsoo laughed but was startled when he heard coughing coming from beside Junmyeon. He looked over and saw that Jongin was choking on his food. Kyungsoo's eyes widened at the scene before him but with Chanyeol comically imitating Jongin while Yeongho patted him on the back, it was all too endearing, and he couldn't help but smile widely and chuckle. It reminded him of when he and his brother used to go out with their parents.

Kyungsoo felt like maybe if he laughed off the scene, Jongin would see that he didn't mean any harm or wasn't a threat, but the glare Jongin shot back at everyone was enough to have Kyungsoo pulling his lips into a tight line. He watched Jongin get up from his seat, presumably to go the bathroom. He felt bad, especially when Junmyeon and Chanyeol followed him.  Kyungsoo chewed on his bottom lip slightly.

"That was crazy," Yeongho said while eating a piece of chicken.

Kyungsoo nodded his head. "Will he be okay?" he asked the younger trainee. "He always seems so...," Kyungsoo dared to add.

"Yeah, he'll be fine," the young boy replied with a smile.  "I've known him for a while. Don't worry if he seems cold and distant. He's pretty cool actually. He's just not extremely social..."

"Oh... Okay. I thought I did something wrong or something...," Kyungsoo trailed off, playing with his napkin.

"Nah, just give him time to warm up. He's super nice. He's got a bad reputation, but most of it isn't true," the boy finished off with a smile.

Kyungsoo shook his head in a near daze. The food and lack of sleep must have been catching up to him. So, Jongin wasn't like the guy painted in the rumors? He wanted to ask Yeongho more about it, but he didn't want to seem rude. Plus, the trio were heading back to the table.

 

When Kyungsoo got back to the dorm, he literally fell onto the couch. He couldn't walk another step. He laid there in a near stupor before remembering he needed to send off a text message to the group. When he was finished, he closed his eyes.

"Hey, so what do you think about the boys?" he heard Junmyeon ask.

"They're cool," he replied, shifting slightly when he heard Junmyeon sit down beside him.

"See!? I told you. They aren't so bad," he heard Junmyeon said, finishing with a sigh.

Kyungsoo yawned. He wondered when Junmyeon would debut. He wanted to ask him how he did it. How he could live like this for so long, each day not knowing whether he would ever reach his dream, whether everything would be worth it in the end. He felt Junmyeon pat his knee.

"Don't think too much, okay?"

Kyungsoo smiled as he sunk deeper into the couch.

"I'll try not to..." he murmured, all the while still thinking way too much about Jongin. 


	7. Chapter 7

Kyungsoo, admittedly, was daydreaming, peering outside the window at the falling leaves when he felt something hit the back of his head. He turned around quickly, his eyes already set on glaring at whoever the culprit was, but the only culprit he found was Hyunsik smiling from the back of the class.

"Open it," the boy mouthed from the back of the room.

Kyungsoo turned around quickly in his seat, hoping the teacher didn't see what had just transpired. He waited a while to reach around his seat and pick up the crumpled piece of paper. When he had it securely in his hands, he slowly un-crumpled the small white sheet.

> When can I meet him?

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. He quickly crossed out Hyunsik's question and wrote  **NEVER**  in bold, but neat, handwriting and crumpled the paper back up before turning and tossing the paper back at Hyunsik when the teacher turned toward the chalkboard. He glared at Hyunsik before he turned back around.

When Kyungsoo was settled in his seat, he went back to daydreaming. Kyungsoo was meeting Jongin tonight. Jongin had called for the group to come to the dance studio now that he and Yeongho had finished the choreography. Kyungsoo's stomach flipped at the idea of dancing in front of Jongin. Kyungsoo had to take a few basic rhythm and dance classes as a trainee, but his vocal and idol etiquette classes completely outweighed his dance classes. He had heard the song that they got from the engineer and producers, and it was an upbeat summer tune, so Kyungsoo hoped the dance moves wouldn't be too hard for him.

"Mr. Do?" Kyungsoo's teacher asked sternly from the front of the room.

Kyungsoo paled and sat up in his seat.

"Yes, sir?"

"Are we wasting your time? Is there somewhere better you could be?" his teacher asked sarcastically.

The class giggled and Kyungsoo's cheeks reddened.  _Yes, there is somewhere better I could be, with someone better..._ Kyungsoo shook his head no and muttered a quiet apology. Today would be a long day he concluded.

 

Fortunately for Kyungsoo, he didn't have to work that evening. He could not imagine school, work, and Jongin all in the same day. It was bad enough he had Hyunsik bugging him every five minutes to meet his crush.

"Why won't you let me meet him?" Hyunsik whined from across the table.

"Because... I don't like him anymore," Kyungsoo said, attempting to resume eating his bibimbap. 

"Liar," his friend deadpanned from across the table.

It was worth a shot. He thought. 

"So, what's been going on? Does he know you like him? Is he straight?"

Kyungsoo shook his head. He hadn't even said more than five words to the guy. All he had to go on was observation and rumor. 

"Why don't you talk to him?"

Kyungsoo flicked a stray grain of rice at his friend. 

"It's not that easy. It's really hierarchical over there... I can't just walk up to him, a  _sunbae_ , and be like, "Hey. I like you!" Plus, I don't even know if I like him anymore!" he ended with a sigh.

Kyungsoo wasn't completely lying with that one. Jongin was proving to be too complicated for him. Kyungsoo wasn't the most social person, but he got the feeling that Jongin didn't like him.

"What? What happened?"

"I dunno... he doesn't seem to like me. Whenever he is around me, he goes completely silent and sorta glares at me. Plus, I'm pretty sure he is straight anyway," Kyungsoo finished, taking a sip from his bubble tea.

"Oh. That sucks, Soo... What do you like about him anyway? He seems like a jerk!" his friend yelled around a mouthful of food.

Kyungsoo shrugged. He didn't even know himself. Physically, Jongin was better than average looking, but there were more handsome trainees, and everything he had heard and witnessed about Jongin had told him he was probably trouble, but he was drawn to him for some reason. Kyungsoo had never experienced anything like that before. It scared him, but he couldn't help it. 

"I dunno. He's cute... He's dedicated... "  _He reminds me of me a little._

"So... He's worth a try right?" his friend asked.

"Maybe..." Kyungsoo said, not entirely convinced. Sometimes when it was late and Kyungsoo was up because he couldn't sleep, his mind wondered to Jongin. He wanted to give Jongin up because he didn't have a chance. Jongin would never like him back. But then sometimes, Kyungsoo liked liking him. He liked liking someone. It reminded him that he was still capable of love.

"Don't give up, Soo! Hwaiting!" his friend cheered from across the table, lifting his bubble tea in the air. 

"Yeah... Hwaiting...," Kyungsoo murmured back, lifting his own cup.

Thinking about the dance rehearsal tonight, he was going to need it.

 

Later that evening, Kyungsoo woke up from a short nap. He debated pretending to be sick to get out of going to Jongin's dance rehearsal as he buried himself further into his covers. It wasn't too late to start pretending he got a stomach ache from the food he ate earlier, was it? He was startled out of his master planning by a heavy weight falling upon him. 

"Kyungsoo, I know you're up, and I know you're hiding! Come on! Get up, get up!" his roommate sing-songed.

Kyungsoo moaned into the covers. He really didn't want to go and make a fool of himself in front of Jongin, again.

"Stop being lazy," Junmyeon said while getting up and snatching the covers off.

Kyungsoo immediately curled up into a ball from the exposure. He whined into his pillow.

"Let's go. Let's go. Let's go," his friend said, punctuating each 'go' with a hit to Kyungsoo's butt.

Kyungsoo tried to wriggle away from the assault, but he couldn't escape and ended up laughing instead. Junmyeon would make a great idol, he thought briefly. He never let anything get him down.

 

Kyungsoo slowly walked up the steps to the dance studio. He felt a hand on his back as he walked down the hall, and Kyungsoo turned to see Junmyeon behind him pushing him forward. He smiled a little.  _Maybe it wouldn't be that bad._

Nope, he was wrong. It was that bad. It was just the warm up and Kyungsoo thought he was going to give up. How much longer would this go on, he wondered. Just when Kyungsoo thought he was getting the hang of the warm up, Jongin made them dance to a song that all trainees were required to learn. Fortunately, Kyungsoo had decent memory and remembered the dance from so long ago. 

But when would the real rehearsal begin, he thought. He looked at Jongin through the mirror. Kyungsoo's face reddened slightly. Jongin looked  _really_  good in his tight tank top and loose pants, and he even looked like he was enjoying the meeting this time. He wasn't glaring at him for starters, so Kyungsoo took that as a good sign. He even thought that he could make the best of the situation when he saw Jongin laugh at a mistake Chanyeol made. His smile almost took Kyungsoo's breath away, and that was a bad thing because Kyungsoo was panting on the floor by the time they were to learn some of the choreography for the actual dance.

Kyungsoo smiled when Yeongho brought him a water bottle. He gulped the cool liquid down, and he could have sworn he felt the cold water spread through his burning lungs. 

"You're doing good, Hyung! Keep it up!"

"Thanks, Yeongho," Kyungsoo tried to muster as he got up from his spot against the wall. 

It was Kyungsoo's turn to glare at Jongin though when the dance was more complicated than he thought it would be, but he couldn't help but want to do everything Jongin wanted him to do. But Kyungsoo couldn't help but blush when he made a mistake, looking up at Jongin to see if he caught it. Kyungsoo was startled when he saw Jongin staring at him. It wasn't a full on glare, like usual, it was something else. No one had ever stared at him like that before. Kyungsoo wanted to hide. He didn't like it. Well, that wasn't completely true. Deep down, he didn't really mind Jongin staring at him. With anyone else, Kyungsoo would be annoyed, but with Jongin, he kind of liked it. It was kind of thrilling to be stared at like that, even if Jongin was just doing his job.

"Good, but relax," he heard Jongin whisper when he walked past Kyungsoo as he evaluated everyone. Kyungsoo couldn't help the smile that crept on his face.  _Just when I thought I wasn't falling_.

Kyungsoo was a pile of mush when Jongin and Yeongho had told them to create their own dance to a song in thirty minutes. Kyungsoo watched as the two boys left to go pick up dinner. He whined, which made Chanyeol laugh. 

"You're actually pretty good, Hyung."

Kyungsoo heard Junmyeon agree.  _No, I just have a really good teacher_ , he thought.

"Liar," Kyungsoo said out loud as he lied down on the wooden floor, a small smile on his face.

"So... how do we create choreography?" Junmyeon asked, breaking the silence.

They all laughed at their own clueless ness, especially Junmyeon's since he had been there the longest. And as tired as Kyungsoo was, he still grabbed the large hand that cast a shadow over his face. He could do this, he thought.

When the boys got back, Kyungsoo was proud to show off their choreography. Jongin and Yeongho seemed even a little impressed and let them stop for the night and eat dinner. _Finally_ , Kyungsoo thought as he bit into another piece of chicken. He dared a glance over at Jongin who seemed to be in a good mood. Kyungsoo thought about all of the rumors he had heard about Jongin, but came to the conclusion that Jongin didn't seem like a snob or jerk, but then again, Jongin was a complete mystery to Kyungsoo. Some days he was hot, and some days he was cold. And Kyungsoo couldn't figure the pattern out, but that didn't stop him from taking the chance and texting Jongin later that night asking him for private dance lessons.

Kyungsoo knew he sucked at dancing, and he knew Jongin could help him, but _would_ he help him was the better question. Kyungsoo hesitated to push the send button. Would Jongin laugh at his request? Would he flat out say no and tell him to ask one of the dozen dance coaches at the company? Kyungsoo thought back to what Hyunsik said earlier. 

He had to try, Jongin was worth a try, at least to get to know or be a friend. So, he pushed send and turned off his phone. If Jongin did reject him, he didn't want to see it tonight. He didn't want anything to ruin his thoughts of Jongin earlier in the dance studio. He looked like he was in his element, he looked confident... He looked happy. And Kyungsoo liked the look of happy on Jongin. He wanted to see it more often. 


	8. Chapter 8

Kyungsoo groaned into his pillow. He couldn't move. Literally. His legs felt like lead, and when he moved them, they felt like they were on fire. Actually, it wasn't just his legs, it was his entire body. Kyungsoo yelped and closed his eyes tight when he reached out to grab his cell phone from his night stand. Everything hurt so bad.

He texted Junmyeon, hoping that he was still in the dorm and knew what to do. He dropped his arm limply on the bed when he managed to press send. Even the tendons in his fingers hurt. How would he ever manage to dance every single day once he debuted? He moaned at the thought and tried to turn on his side, but he grimaced in pain when he flexed his back. Kyumgsoo hummed when he heard a knock at the door.

"Hey, buddy... What's up?" Junmyeon was heard asking from the doorway.

"Hurt. Everything hurts." Kyungsoo replied with his eyes closed.

"Why? What do you mean?" Junmyeon asked, sitting at the foot of the bed.

"My body hurts from all the dancing yesterday. I can't move...," Kyungsoo said, wanting to sit up but knowing that it was a death wish.

"Awwww... You want to take a hot shower or something?" Junmyeon asked, resting a hand on Kyungsoo's covered shin.

Kyungsoo winced in pain at the touch. He couldn't even shake his head from side to side to communicate. He might cry if he did.

"You know what? Let me call Jongin."

Kyungsoo's eyes flew open at the statement. Jongin couldn't know that he was like this. Maybe if he just laid there for a while... Maybe everything would stop throbbing.

"It's okay. You don't have to," Kyungsoo managed to croak out.

"I don't want to hear it. He would know what to do."

Kyungsoo closed his eyes as he and Junmyeon waited for Jongin to answer his phone. He heard Junmyeon yelling into the receiver, and Kyungsoo attempted to drown it out. Before he fell asleep, Kyungsoo heard Junmyeon rambling off random ingredients and repeating steps.  _Damn you, Jongin_ , he thought as he drifted back off to sleep.

 

After a week of slow recuperation, Kyungsoo needed to get out and about. He could now walk up and down stairs without feeling like he pulled something, he could laugh without doubling over in pain, and he didn't cry out in pain when he needed to pick something up from the floor. He forgave Jongin. Mostly. The main reason he forgave Jongin was because he had been so caring about the whole situation. He made sure that Kyungsoo had hot patches, and he even shared some home remedies with him. Kyungsoo was in shock. On top of that, Jongin also replied back to his text message concerning extra dance lessons (even though the last thing he wanted to do right now was dance.).

Kyungsoo's heart was pounding when he had turned on his phone to see a message from  _Jongin-shi_. He braced himself for the worst, but he honestly hoped for the best. He clicked the text message to open it up.

> yeah, sure! let me know when you're free

Kyungsoo had reread the text message like five times. Slowly, but surely, his opinion of Jongin was changing. for the better. He was so sure he'd get a text message back telling him that he wouldn't have time or a million other excuses, and being a trainee himself, Kyungsoo knew that they were extremely busy, but the fact that Jongin was willing to make time for him was more than he had expected.

Kyungsoo was still thinking about the text when he walked out of the dorm building, and the chilled morning air blew his hair astray. Kyungsoo didn't have anywhere to be yet, so he just walked aimlessly down the street. It had been a while since he chose to voluntarily walk. His legs were the last to really heal from the physical onslaught on his unfit body. Kyungsoo remembered Hyunsik laughing at him all week. Just watch until it's your turn, Hyunsik, he thought to himself.

Kyungsoo squinted ahead. The sun was shining brightly but failed to warm the chilled atmosphere around him. He dug his hands in his pocket deeper and snuggled into the collar of his jacket. Maybe he should go back before he got sick, but before he decided to turn around, he saw a familiar face.

_Jongin_

Kyungsoo debated approaching the other male, and he walked behind him a bit before just going for it. He slowly fell into step next to the man, and watched him out of his peripheral vision. Well, that was incredibly awkward. Jongin hadn't noticed him or paid any attention to him. Kyungsoo internally flailed a bit before Jongin hesitantly turned toward Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo smiled a bit and bowed, watching Jongin intently to see his reaction. Jongin slowed a bit and bowed back. Kyungsoo panicked, what now? He hadn't prepared anything to say, so he just said the first thing that popped into his head.

"You must really like the cold. That day on the roof, here, right now... I mean, aren't you cold?"

He saw Jongin physically still. Kyungsoo froze a bit. He hoped he didn't sound judgmental.  _Calm down, Kyungsoo._ But then he saw Jongin relax and chuckled at the response. To Kyungsoo, Jongin looked anything but okay. He wanted to invite him for coffee, but he wasn't sure if he even drank coffee. Were they even coffee date status yet?

"Are you on your way to the studio or...," Kyungsoo mumbled. Maybe Jongin was in a hurry and that's why he didn't dress properly for the weather.

"Uh... No. I'm kinda just walking around aimlessly...," the boy replied back, a little lost.

_Me too_

Are you on your way...?" Jongin asked back.

"Uh... No, I'm just taking a walk too. It's the first time I've been able to get out of the dorms aside from when it was necessary. I've been in severe pain for the past week or so because of dancing, but thank you for the medicine packs. They really helped."

Kyungsoo smiled as Jongin waved a hand in front of himself.

"No, no. It's alright. I'm sorry for not warning you about the after effects, especially knowing you don't dance regularly." 

Kyungsoo looked down. 

"It's Okay. I'm Okay now..."

The two walked along in silence. Kyungsoo wanted to say something, but he didn't feel forced to say anything. It was weird. It wasn't awkward at all. Kyungsoo just hoped the voice in his head wouldn't make him feel insecure. Kyungsoo saw a small park up ahead. It was warming up a little, and he figured it'd be nice to stay outside a little longer, so he asked Jongin if he'd like to walk through the park. Jongin agreed and they walked the dirt path through the entrance of the park.

“Do you take walks a lot?” Kyungsoo heard Jongin ask him. He was was busy watching a bird take a bath in the small pond.

“Hmm? No, not usually. I’d love to, but I don’t have the time, really...,” he replied while watching another bird join the other in the pond. They splashed each other, taking a bath.

Kyungsoo was always busy. Sometimes he just wanted to rest, to pause time and rest for a while. Jongin hummed his agreement, and Kyungsoo knew that Jongin understood exactly what he meant by "not having the time". After a while, the boys sat down on a bench that overlooked a grove of trees. Kyungsoo fidgeted slightly on his side of the bench, but he was handling himself better than he thought he would. He thought he'd clam up like a shell and say something he'd regret, but he felt eerily calm when one-on-one with Jongin.

Kyungsoo looked over at Jongin who he now understood was just as socially awkward as himself. He finally got the chance to get a good look at the other guy who was looking out toward the pond. Jongin had a strong jaw, but soft features, as seen in his nose, lips, and the chocolate color of his eyes. Kyungsoo blushed a bit when Jongin turned and caught him staring. Kyungsoo was just about to open his mouth to talk when Jongin started talking first.

They talked for a long time, mostly about training, and Kyungsoo was fascinated by everything Jongin was saying. Jongin was younger than Kyungsoo, but Jongin had been in the company way longer than Kyungsoo, and he actually auditioned. Kyungsoo used to believe that he got in by connections or was scouted ever since hearing that rumor. But the longer they talked, the more Jongin disporved every single rumor Kyungsoo had heard up until that point.

Jongin was extremely talented, but he wasn't arrogant about it, and Kyungsoo guess that scared people. They didn't know what he was hiding or why he was hiding. He was handsome and had the skills to back it up. Kyungsoo felt bad for Jongin, and he was embarrassed that he, too, had believed those rumors. Jongin wasn't in it for the fame or the fortune, he was in it for the dancing. Just like Kyungsoo was in it for the singing.

Kyungsoo expressed that he was intimidated by Jongin at first, leaving out that he still kind of was. Jongin frowned a bit at the confession, and Kyungsoo wanted to take what he said back, but then Kyungsoo found himself shoving Jongin in the side when Jongin expressed that he, too, had been intimidated by Kyungsoo. Really? What is there to be intimidated about, Kyungsoo thought as they both laughed. Kyungsoo thought about how he was struggling to get by each day, juggling a dual life, and he worried Jongin would judge him for that so, he decided to keep that tidbit to himself.

When the sun was high in the sky, the two boys had warmed up physically and to each other. Kyungsoo was relieved that Jongin wasn't as he had been lead to believe. Jongin was deep and interesting, so much more interesting than his bad boy reputation. He wondered what Jongin thought about him. but he was brought back from his thoughts by a rumbling sound.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t eaten yet,” Jongin replied, embarrassed.

Kyungsoo stood up, and looked at his watch. Maybe they were at coffee date status now.

“Come on. I’m hungry too,”  Kyungsoo said, standing up.

Kyungsoo and Jongin walked the streets of Seoul eating  _tteobeokki_  and  _hotteok_  and talked about everything from music to books to injuries received as a child, both boys gasping at finding out that their birthdays were only a mere two days apart. Kyungsoo hadn't felt a connection like this at the company before, and he almost couldn't believe it. Was he being pranked? The one guy who he thought would never give him the time of day, who was so different from him, wasn't so different after all? It couldn't be this easy, he thought.

The boys soon found themselves in front of the dorm and rightfully so because Jongin made plans to meet with Yeongho to put the finishing touches on the choreography, and Kyungsoo and Joonmyeon were meeting to get approval for the group’s song lyrics. Kyungsoo unconsciously entered the elevator with Jongin, not wanting to leave his side just yet. He only lived on the second floor, but it was too late. Even so, Kyungsoo would be seeing Jongin again very soon anyway because they had discussed when to meet for his extra dance lessons. He was glad that Jongin didn't go back on his word and didn't judge him for asking for help.

When it was his floor, Kyungsoo walked out into the hallway. He saw Jongin smile under the bright fluorescent light, and he genuinely smiled back. Kyungsoo waved as the doors slid close, and he turned to walk toward his dorm. 

See you later, Jongin.

 

 

And Kyungsoo did see Jongin later. Every Tuesday, Kyungsoo made sure to make their lessons. He was usually tired, worn out, and  hungry, but being with Jongin made everything a little bit bearable. He looked forward to the time they spent together, it was fun, even if he'd be hurting later.

Jongin was such a fascinating person, and it was no wonder Kyungsoo formed a crush on him. Oh, it was only a  _slight_  crush according to Kyungsoo. Jongin was inspirational to Kyungsoo. Like how he was curious about Junmyeon, Kyungsoo also wanted to know how Jongin held onto hope for so long. How he felt seeing his friends debut first, how he felt being left behind, alone. How did he manage to go on?

It felt weird at first, looking up to someone younger than him, but Kyungsoo knew it was worth it. Jongin kept going because he could still dance, and as long as he could do that, he would keep working toward his dream. Kyungsoo admired that because just a few months ago he hadn't known Jongin and he was alone, battling with himself everyday whether to give up or keep going. Now that he had been spending more time with Jongin, those thoughts became less and less.

They only had one more month until the presentation, and things were just now starting to come together. They had been through a lot as a group, but they were all hanging on. Junmyeon managed to keep everything in control, and all the other members tried their best to do their parts as well. Pressure from the company was high and put a lot of stress on everyone, but they kind of became a source of support for each other. Kyungsoo never had that before, and he'd be sad when they were to finish their group project. Maybe he'd be lucky to debut with one of them, with Jongin.

 

Kyungsoo sighed as Jongin asked him to do one more twirl, a pirouette or whatever it was called. They'd been trying for fifteen minutes now, and he still couldn't do it. He didn't know why Jongin wanted to see him do the move so bad. He couldn't dance, especially not ballet. But, he couldn't resist the puppy dog eyes and pouted pink lips around the fat bubble tea straw. 

They only had about a solid week until the presentation, and Kyungsoo knew he should be practicing the choreography instead of playing around, but that's why he liked his individual lessons with Jongin. They didn't feel like lessons, it just felt like two friends hanging out. So, Kyungsoo walked out to the middle of the floor and tried to do it again. He did everything Jongin had instructed him to do, but he still couldn't do it.

Kyumgsoo huffed when Jongin handed him his bubble tea and walked out onto the dance floor.  Assured, confident, happy. Kyungsoo was left in a daze as Jongin positioned himself to do a pirouette. Kyungsoo felt himself clutching the bubble tea cup tighter when Jongin lifted himself up on his toes to twirl. It was over way too soon, and he couldn't even manage a small again before Jongin was killing him cruelly with his smile. 

"See! It's easy."

Kyungsoo balked at the statement, but he shut his mouth when Jongin took the bubble tea out his stiff hand, sitting it down, and then pulled Kyungsoo by the wrist out to the spot in the middle of the floor. Kyungsoo looked at their reflections in the mirror. Jongin was perfect, but he didn't have much time to admire the reflection because Jongin was behind him, his hot breath in his ear, and warm hands positioning his limbs. Kyungsoo didn't think he'd be so effected, but it was no wonder he fell when Jongin yelled at him to spin.

But Jongin was there. Sort of. They both fell to the ground in a heap, and Kyungsoo didn't mind that his back hurt or that Jongin's leg was crushing his thighs. He didn't mind at all. But then Jongin was gone, and Kyungsoo was left wanting.

“Ow! See, I told you I can’t do it!” the petite male laughed out.

“But you did do it! You just didn’t land too well...,” Jongin said, laughing back, rubbing his bottom from the impact.

“You’re heavier than you look, Kyungsoo,” Jongin added, getting up, reaching out a hand.

Kyungsoo took the hand outstretched to him. Grateful. 

“You’re weaker than you look, Jongin,” Kyungsoo  retorted, a mischievous look on his face.

Jongin threatened to let go of Kyungsoo’s hand, but Kyungsoo clung to Jongin harder, eyes wide as he attempted to latch on to something, anything. Jongin strengthened his grip again, pulling Kyungsoo up all of the way this time.

“I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall a second time,” 

And Kyungsoo held him to that.

When they had finished tidying up, the two  boys laid sprawled on the dance floor. Kyungsoo would definitely miss this. Maybe they didn't have to stop, though? He could continue helping Jongin with singing, and Jongin could help him with dancing. Kyungsoo struggled with himself. Maybe he shouldn't get attached. Jongin could debut tomorrow and there would be nothing he could do. Kyungsoo felt Jongin's brown, pensive eyes on him before he led on that he knew. Kyungsoo, however, didn't guess that Jongin would poke him, in the neck. He surpressed a giggle.

“Ow, what are you doing!?” Kyungsoo called out, but he couldn't surpress the smile that sprung to his face.

Jongin didn't reply and just kept staring. Kyungsoo was a bit nervous, so he quickly turned his head.

“You’re so weird.” Kyungsoo continued, throwing the words into the atmosphere.

“I know.” Jongin replied back.

Kyungsoo looked over at the younger male whose brown eyes were fixed on the spot he just poked. He made a funny face at Jongin to which Jongin couldn't help but turn on his back and laugh at.

“No, you’re the weird one, Kyungsoo. You and you’re creepy facial expressions.”

Kyungsoo wanted to be offended, but he wasn't. He had more pressing issues on his mind.

“Are you nervous for the presentation next week." 

Kyungsoo watched Jongin bite his lip as he thought. Jongin turned into a totally different person when dancing. Kyungsoo would probably be the only one nervous. What kind of idol was he?

"I'm nervous..." Kyungsoo said, not letting Jongin answer. He couldn't help it. He really wanted to debut. He wanted to debut so bad it hurt, but he knew that he probably still had a few years before he'd even be considered. He blushed at Jongin's shocked facial expression.  _Cute._

“Are you nervous about the dance? We can go over it again if you want,” Jongin said, moving to get up.

It was just Kyungsoo to be cautious, to be careful. Every time he got on stage with  _Heavenly Voices_  the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering around, and it affected his singing. If only he could just get rid of this nervousness, be more confident, be more like Jongin on stage.

“It’s not the dance or the singing. I just get nervous when all eyes are on me, especially the eyes of instructors. I know… If I debut, it’s going to be a lot worst, but it’s just something I can’t seem to prepare for or get over yet. I even joined a vocal group, performing in front of my school and everything, but every time feels like the first time. I never get used to it,” Kyungsoo said, a crack in his voice near the end.

He wouldn't cry. He vowed not to. After a few moments of silence, Kyungsoo almost regretted saying anything.

“Well, if you think it will help, you can just look over at me when you get nervous. I won’t be judging you. I’ll be rooting for you.”

And with that, Kyungsoo gave a little of his heart away.

 

Two hours later, after battling with Jongin in the grocery store trying to convince him that his famous kimchi spaghetti recipe was delicious, and also trying to stop the younger male from buying the entire store on an empty stomach, Kyungsoo found himself in Jongin's dorm. Kyungsoo thought back to when he first walked into the dorm with Kyuwan, when he and Jongin were still strangers, and he smilled. Kyungsoo's smile widened when he saw Jongin's flustered look when he realized the mess. But Kyungsoo waved him off and made his way to the kitchen. Most of the dorms had the same basic layout, so Kyungsoo comfortably started laying out the ingredients while Jongin stood there in a near stupor.

"Aren't you going to help me, Signor Kim?" Kyungsoo said with a heavy "Italian" accent.

Jongin laughed at Kyungsoo's impersonation, leaving the mess to join Kyungsoo in the kitchen for silly antics...and some cooking. When they had finished cooking the spaghetti and kimchi concoction, the boys went to go sit on the couch. Kyungsoo grimaced when he sat on a random shoe, but he didn't care. He wanted Jongin to taste his cooking. Jongin looked at the food suspiciously. He made a show of tasting the kimchi spaghetti, squeezing his eyes shut and threatening to hold his nose, bringing the utensil slowly to his open mouth. Kyungsoo couldn't wait any longer and grabbed Jongin's hand, forcing the utensil in the rest of the way. When Jongin's eyes flew open, Kyungsoo couldn't keep himself from laughing. 

“You took too long! So, how does it taste?” Kyungsoo asked, still clutching his sides.

“It’s gross! You owe me chicken,” Jongin replied, making a gagging sound as he swallowed the mouthful.

Kyungsoo knew Jongin was being dramatic.

“However, since it’s getting late and we’ve already spent so much time making this, I guess I’ll eat it,” Jongin added matter-of-factly.

Kyungsoo wasn't fooled.  He saw the way the boy was shoveling his dish in his mouth. He smirked.

 “Sure, Jongin. Whatever you say.”

Both boys were really tired, so they ate the rest of the meal in silence. Kyungsoo became curious when he saw Jongin intensely looking out of the window. Kyungsoo craned his neck to see what was going on. The sky was turning from blue to orange to red, and it was beautiful. These moments together were beautiful too.

The boys were interrupted from their gazing when they heard the door handle jiggle. Kyungsoo turned toward the door, expecting it to be Chanyeol or Sehun, but it was Jongin's closest friend Moonkyu. Kyungsoo couldn't stop the drop in his chest when he saw the boy. He had never had the chance to talk to him, but he heard about him a lot from Jongin. He seemed like a nice guy, but... Kyungsoo couldn't help the pang of jealousy that tugged at his heart.

He and Jongin had become closer than Kyungsoo had ever expected, even though he had always hoped. Although they had only knew it each other for a few months, they clicked. Well. And Jongin wasn't like any of his other friends. He was different, their relationship was different, and it made an impact on Kyungsoo, and he couldn't help but become somewhat attached to the other male, more than just a friend, more than just a crush even. And Kyungsoo told himself that he didn't care if he were the only one that felt that way.

“What are you two eating?” Moonkyu asked as he descended upon the two male’s.

Kyungsoo watched as Jongin excitedly jumped up from the couch, his eyes all smiles for his best friend, and Kyungsoo couldn't breathe. 

“Can I have some?” Moonkyu asked, looking at them both.

Kyungsoo did his best to tuck his jealousy away. He had no right or place to be jealous. Moonkyu had helped Jongin through so much, and he meant so much to Jongin, the world to him. And deep down, Kyungsoo wished that one day he would mean the world to someone too. Kyungsoo jumped up, and put a smile on his face.

"Sure!" Kyungsoo said, as he made his way over to the kitchen.

The boys ate more of Kyungsoo's kimchi spaghetti, and Kyungsoo hadn't felt that proud of something in such a long time. By the time they finished, it was  super late, and Kyungsoo had work in the morning. He bid the two friends farewell and made his way out of the dorm. Kyungsoo sighed against the back of the door. Moonkyu was pretty cool, and Jongin adored him. So, what was the problem? Kyungsoo didn't have the chance to dwell on the duo too much before his cell phone rang. He grabbed it out of his pocket as he walked toward the stairwell.

"Hello?" 

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much...," he lied as he walked down the steps.

"Really, because we... I haven't heard from you in a while?"

"I've just been busy with the group project, working, you know this Hyunsik...," Kyungsoo said, a little irritated.

"Sorry, Soo. I know. I just miss you, that's all!"

Kyungsoo sighed, sorry for the way he reacted to his friend.

"Thanks. I'm sorry too. We should go out sometime this week. You can even come pick me up from my job," Kyungsoo said, looking around to make sure no one heard him.

"Really!?" his best friend yelled into the receiver, his smile heard in his voice.

"Yep."

"Should I bring your crush?" his friend asked, teasing and testing the waters.

Kyungsoo remained silent.

"Don't tell me!!! You've been talking to him."

Kyungsoo couldn't say anything because he was smiling so hard.

"Oh. My. God! So, can I meet him!!?" his friend pleaded through the telephone.

Kyungsoo snickered when he flopped down on his bed.

"Nope."

_Because he's all mine. Well, sort of._


	9. Chapter 9

The day of the group presentation came out of nowhere. Kyungsoo had become so wrapped up in finishing school, preparing for the final  _Heavenly Voices_  performance, and juggling training activities, the next thing he knew, he was standing in the right wing of  the stage, the lights bright, his clothes tight, and Jongin beside him. Everything felt so right.

So much had changed between Jongin and Kyungsoo during the final month leading up to the presentation. They had only become closer. They were basically attached at the hip, and would even, when apart, stay up late on the phone talking about things, like the future, life, and even the universe. Kyungsoo would listen intently as Jongin rambled on and on about his philosophy on life, and Kyungsoo would hum softly when Jongin was having a hard time, and day by day Kyungsoo fell a little bit more into Jongin.

He told himself that they would never be more than really good friends, but he couldn't help but wonder what if? What if they could be more than friends? What would that be like? And he would end up sighing because his mind would only draw blanks, especially because despite maybe one day being a superstar, love would never be in the stars for Kyungsoo. The company would never allow a public relationship, not alone a same-sex relationship, so before he'd go to sleep, Kyungsoo would talk himself out of love.

Maybe it was just an infatuation, maybe it was just a puppy love kind of crush that would fade just as fast as it appeared. Kyungsoo almost believed it was that simple because it made it easier to be around him. It made it easier to keep from kissing Jongin silly when his cheeks reddened from missing a dance step, it made it easier to keep from hugging him tight from behind when he saw him concentrating infront of the studio mirror, it made it easier to keep from staring into his eyes too long when he saw the moon and the stars reflected in them.

Kyungsoo had mastered the art of self-restraint. He didn't want to hurt Jongin, their careers, and more importantly, he didn't want to hurt himself. He had never played this game before, so he decided to play it safe and to just be the best friend he could be to Jongin. He believed he could live with that, even though Jongin's smile had come to light up his whole world, even though his laugh was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard. He felt like he could keep the act up even when he felt like he couldn't take it anymore. He could live as Jongin's friend.

Kyungsoo didn't know why he fell so hard for him, but he didn't want to analyze it either. He just wanted to go with the flow and keep Jongin near.

 

Kyungsoo reached over and grabbed Jongin's hand and squeezed it tight. He saw the panic on the younger boy's face, so he tried to smile to reassure him that they'd be alright.  _What happened to you supporting me_ , he thought, chuckling to himself. But sometimes Kyungsoo had to remind himself that Jongin wasn't this bad boy who had his whole life planned out. He might have seemed cold and hard on the outside, but he really had one of the warmest hearts Kyungsoo had ever seen. It might seem like Jongin would break your heart, but in actuality, you would probably break his instead. And knowing that made Kyungsoo even more protective over Jongin. 

When they got on stage, Kyungsoo made sure to not only try his best for himself, but to also try his best for the whole team. He put his nervousness away and sung like his life depended on it, and in a way it did. Even when his throat was on fire and they were sitting in a tiny, claustrophobic, interview room with blinding lights and several pairs of judging eyes on them, Kyungsoo still had no regrets.

"Kyungsoo, what would you say was the hardest thing about working on this project?" the interviewer asked.

Kyungsoo put on his signature smile, his straight set of white teeth on full display.

"For me, it was definitely the dancing!"

The group and interviewer laughed.

"But, fortunately, we have two really good dancers who were willing to put up with me and my two left feet."

Kyungsoo looked over at Jongin, who had seemed to calm down, and gave him a knowing look, a look of thanks, appreciation.

"Well, Jongin. We know you're one of the most hardworking and talented dancers in the company. What do you have to say about that?" another interviewer questioned. Jongin startled, but he easily put himself back together.

"Ahh, it was so tiring..."

The room erupted in laughter.

"I'm just kidding. Truthfully, Kyungsoo's really passionate and he never gave up, and I really look up to him for that."

Kyngsoo couldn't help the blush that spread across his face as Jongin responded to the question and would look over at Kyungsoo every now and again.

The interview went on like that, as they explained working together, and how they overcame various obstacles. Kyungsoo thought that they seemed like a real idol group by the end of the interview stage.  They could count on Chanyeol to be funny, Junmyeon to gracefully take the brunt of everyone's jabs, Yeongho to be the adorable maknae, Jongin to be the mysterious and quiet one, and Kyungsoo, well, Kyungsoo didn't know how he fit in, but he did know that he cared so much about this, about them, about Jongin.

So, despite his head throbbing, his throat tight and his heart pounding, he could see, hear, and feel Jongin in beautiful clarity as the younger male came in for a soul crushing hug after everything was said and done. Kyungsoo let himself be enveloped in his strong arms, in his warmth, and he hesitated to wrap his arms around Jongin because he didn't think he'd be able to let go.

But then his heart broke a little when he heard the soft sob in the crook of his neck and felt hot tears against his jaw. Jongin was just a kid who had to act like he had seen it all, done it all, like he had it all, but that was just a facade, and Kyungsoo had always preferred the real Jongin more, but he didn't get to see that side of him as often as he wanted to, so, he wanted to let Jongin cry for as long as he wanted.

But before he could really comprehend what was going on, Jongin was pulling away, eyes swollen, lips red, pretending everything was okay again, and Kyungsoo wanted to thumb his tears away, hush and soothe his soul, but he couldn't. All he could do was pull him back into his warmth and tell him he was proud of him and that he did well. And it wasn't enough, and Kyungsoo knew that, but it was all Kyungsoo would allow himself to do or he'd break down himself. Kyungsoo needed to be strong, and he vowed to be strong when he pulled away to peer into Jongin's eyes just to see himself reflected in them. 

 

Kyungsoo rearranged the cigarette boxes behind the counter for the third time that day. He was restless because everything was changing, and he didn't know if he was ready for it. Kyungsoo really hadn't thought about what would happen once the group project was over and they'd all go back to their respective trainee lives. He didn't know if he and Jongin would drift apart, if he'd ever get to dance with him until dawn again.

He sighed, returning to the front of the register. He snuck a peek at his cell phone under the counter to find a text message from Jongin that made him smile. Maybe they'd remain close even if they didn't need to work together. He texted the male back, smiling fondly at the  _Jongin-shi_  that popped up when he got a reply.

Jongin had left for a school trip, so Kyungsoo wouldn't be able to see the male for a while. He bit his lip. He didn't realize Jongin made such an impact on his life that it felt weird now that he was gone. Kyungsoo felt a void, a hole, a space that only Jongin could fill. 

So when Hyunsik came to pick him up later that night, he had to work extra hard not to seem effected. Kyungsoo made sure he sung louder and laughed harder than everyone else when  _Heavenly Voices_  went out for karaoke. It would be their last get together before they'd perform and go their separate ways. He tried to push Jongin to the back of his mind, but he kept seeing him in every line of his favorite song, and every joke he heard he wanted to tell it to Jongin. Kyungsoo was failing miserably.

When Kyungsoo and Hyunsik were sprawled out on his dorm room floor at 3am, empty because everyone else left for home or had some kind of school trip, Kyungsoo bit his tongue trying not to confess everything to Hyunsik. But his heart was heavy, his soul was tired and he needed to lesson the burden. He sighed.

"What's up, Soo?" Hyunsik asked as he popped a chip into his mouth.

"Nothing," Kyungsoo replied as he rolled over on his side to draw invisible patterns onto the wooden floor.

"You can tell me, Soo...I'm your best friend, right?"

Kyungsoo thought about that. Hyunsik was right, but... Kyungsoo never asked for help before, he had never leaned on anyone. He may look weak, small, and quiet, but he could hold his own if he had to, he could save himself if he needed to...  But maybe he didn't want to be saved from Jongin...

"Is it about being a trainee? Are you tired of working and training. I can try to help if you want..." 

Kyungsoo flipped onto his back again, splaying his hand in front him, filtering the light between his outstretched fingers.

"No, it's not that. I guess it's something else. I mean... I don't know."

Where should he even begin? How do you tell your best friend you've fallen head over heels for someone you could never have the way you want them, the way you crave them? He closed his eyes.

"Is it about your crush..." he heard his friend ask softly. "It's more than a crush now, isn't it?" his friend added.

And Kyungsoo wanted to say no, he wanted to say it was nothing, but he'd be lying. He wanted to laugh everything off like he did when he was a child, but he couldn't, so he just nodded his head. They were silent for a while before Hyunsik spoke up.

"So, what are you going to do?"

Kyungsoo didn't know why it was so hard to talk about it, but his throat was tight because he didn't want the truth to come out. He didn't want to admit that he was going to do nothing because he couldn't do anything even if he wanted to.  He thought he might cry if he spoke the words out loud because then that made them real, and you couldn't take them back once given away. So all he did was shrug his shoulders.

"Aww, Soo..." his friend said, and Kyungsoo could hear the sadness in his friend's voice.

"I wish I knew what to say."

 _Me too_ , Kyungsoo thought to himself.  Then, Kyungsoo huffed. He didn't need this right now, he thought, so he turned on his side and punched his friend in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for!!?"

"Because you're annoying!" Kyungsoo replied, eye smile on display.

When did he become a master at hiding, at lying, too?  The violent act earned Kyungsoo a punch back, and the two got into a small pillow fight before they flopped down on the bed, panting, and being typical teenagers for one more night before they'd have to be adults. He pulled the covers over him, telling Hyunsik to turn off the lights. He felt the bed dip beside him in the darkness. He'd miss this, he thought as he closed his eyes. But he'd miss loving Jongin even more.

 

Around two o'clock the next day, Kyungsoo and Hyunsik made their way to the school festival where they would perform for the last time. Kyungsoo looked around green with envy as he watched his classmates playing games, eating delicious food, and being oblivious to the realities of the real world. He and Hyunshik made their way backstage to do some last minute preparing before their last performance ever.  Kyungsoo was startled when he felt arms wrap around him from behind.

"What?" he deadpanned.

"Well, excuse me!" Hyunsik replied in mock offense. "I just wanted to hug my best friend, that's all."

Kyungsoo smiled slightly before pushing the other male off of him.

"You're going soft, Hyunsik!" he jokingly said with a teasing smile.

"I know. I can't help it. Maybe I'm falling in love with you."

Kyungsoo laughed. He was glad it didn't become weird after what they talked about last night. He just wanted to have fun and enjoy the day.

"I don't blame you," he jokingly replied back.

"I know. How ever should I compete with your crush for your love?"

Kyungsoo grinned, but, internally, he faltered.

 

When Kyungsoo made it back to the dorms later that night, his eyes were sort of puffy, his voice was hoarse, and he just wanted to sleep, but the only thing keeping him awake was the knowledge that Jongin was supposed to be coming back today. He hadn't heard from the male since the first day he left, so he was eager to hear from him. Maybe they'd stay up talking about the trip, and Jongin would fall asleep mid-sentence. That was Kyungsoo's favorite.

Kyungsoo didn't think he'd miss the man as much as he did, but he thought about him now more than ever. It was a constant tug of war with his heart, with trying to forget but not wanting to forget, wanting to see him but hating that he wanted to see him. He lied down in bed with a cup of hot tea. He soon heard a knock on the door.

"Come in."

"Hey! I just got back. How were things while I was gone? Miss me?" Junmyeon asked, walking into the room.

"Actually, I didn't even notice you were gone," Kyungsoo replied flatly, but he bit back a grin.

He heard Junmyeon rush over to his bed, but he held up the hot tea as a warning not to do anything stupid or they'd both get hurt. Kyungsoo laughed as he witnessed Junmyeon debate going for a jab anyway.

"So, how was the trip? Miss the parents?"

"Not at all. I'm so glad to be back," Junmyeon replied as he changed into some sweats and a t-shirt.

Kyungsoo went back to drinking his hot tea and his game of solitaire on his phone.

"Anything exciting happen?"

"Hmm... Not really... I might go back out though and try to get some practice in. It felt weird not singing or dancing.

Kyungsoo hummed in response as he refocused on his game of solitaire.

"Yeah, it seems like Jongin felt the same way. I saw him rushing to the dance practice building before I came in. That boy is a work-a-holic!"

Kyungsoo's finger froze above his phone screen. His heart was pounding, and he could barely breath, but he managed to get out a soft, "Oh, really..."

"Yeah. He didn't even seem to see me. He was distracted or something..." Junmyeon said, trailing off as he made his way out the room.

"If I go out, I'll let you know. I might pick up something to eat on the way back."

Kyungsoo nodded as he watched him close the door. Kyungsoo's heart fell. Why didn't Jongin tell him that he was back? Why was he in such a rush to the dance studio?  Kyungsoo furrowed his brow as he sat his tea down on the floor beside his bed. He tried not jump to conclusions. Why should he care if Jongin hadn't let him know that he was back.

It wasn't like he was Jongin's boyfriend or anything. But maybe that is what hurt Kyungsoo the most though.


	10. Chapter 10

Kyungsoo was standing at the counter of Jongin, and now his, favorite convenience store talking to the owner, an older lady with smile lines and rosy cheeks. Jongin had introduced Kyungsoo to the owner of the store back when they were inseparable, and she had recently asked him for a favor. Kyungsoo guessed she called Jongin to help as well because there he was standing in the doorway.  

Kyungsoo hadn't seen Jongin in what seemed like forever, even though it had only been about two weeks, or maybe it was 13 days exactly. Kyungsoo had texted and called the younger male, but Jongin always had some excuse to not hang out, to not talk, to avoid him again. Kyungsoo tried not to take it to heart, but how could he not? He wracked his brain trying to figure out what happened, what changed, but the possibilities were endless.

At first, Kyungsoo blamed Jongin's distance on the school trip, or something going on at home. He even blamed Moonkyu, but then as the days passed and still no word from Jongin, Kyungsoo began to blame himself. Maybe he was coming on too strong, maybe Jongin found him out, caught him in the act of loving him too much. If that was the case, Kyungsoo told himself that he could be good. If that meant that Jongin would stay, he could back off. So, Kyungsoo stopped texting, he stopped calling, but when he turned to see the one he had been missing, the one he had been thinking of, craving for, he couldn't help but take in the tanned skin, the full head of thick, black hair, his brown almond shaped eyes, and he didn't stop the scene from taking his breath away. Maybe it'd be the last time he would let it.

Kyungsoo couldn't ignore the sadness he saw in the other male's eyes, but he wouldn't comment on it, he couldn't comment on it because he promised he would give Jongin his space. So, Kyungsoo put on a smile, the kind of smile you give to a best friend, not the smile you reserve for the one who has your heart.  Kyungsoo heard Jongin mumble a half-hearted greeting his way, and he tried not to let it break him.

"Hey, yourself, stranger!" Kyungsoo replied cheerfully, trying to drown out the urge to say all the things he really wanted to, like I've missed you. 

Kyungsoo watched Jongin pick up the green tea the convenience store lady handed him. He didn't want to, but he couldn't stop himself from watching the male take a small sip, he missed seeing the small twitch his face made when the bitter liquid slid down his throat. Kyungsoo also wanted to see the bobbing of his Adam's apple, but he instead turned back to the convenience store owner to continue their conversation.

Jongin stood idly beside Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo just wanted him to say something, anything, but he wouldn't force him if he didn't want to. One thing Kyungsoo learned about Jongin is that he was extremely moody. When he was in one of his moods, there was no getting him out of it. Kyungsoo usually found it endearing, but right now, it was driving him crazy. When the conversation did finally turn to Jongin, he didn't answer. Kyungsoo frowned. Jongin was somewhere else. His mind was not there with them in the convenience store. But being a good friend, Kyungsoo pretended he didn't notice.

 “Earth to Jongin, are you in there?”  Kyungsoo asked, waving his hand in front of Jongin's face, and he smiled widely when Jongin snapped out of his reverie.  _What are you thinking about? or Who are you thinking about?_

When Jongin had finished explaining that he wasn't ill, just tired, the two boys walked silently to the back of the store to work on the favor they were asked to do. Kyungsoo eyed the air conditioner. It looked heavy, but Kyungsoo smiled and took the initiative and began opening the box. When he went to open the flap, Jongin grabbed the same one and their hands brushed against each other's so lightly that Kyungsoo wasn't even sure if it happened or if he only wished it had happened. So, he sighed and just went back to work.  _Get it together, Kyungsoo._

 He just wanted to get this over with because being so close but pretending to be so far from Jongin was driving him crazy.

"I'll grab this side, you grab that side, okay?" 

"Sure..."

The two worked in silence until Kyungsoo suggested Jongin guide the air conditioner in from the outside. Kyungsoo's face held it's old stoic expression. He didn't like this. They never had trouble talking to each other before. Kyungsoo almost wanted to cry when Jongin quickly walked away. It was almost as if he was glad to get away from Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo's heart felt like steel, every beat hurt. He just wanted to go back to the dorms. This wasn't what he wanted.

When they had finished putting the air conditioner securely in the window, Kyungsoo said a quick thanks and gave the younger male a friendly slap on the back as they walked back up to the front of the store. When they reached the counter, they found that the owner had prepared a small snack of tteobokki for them to eat. Kyungsoo didn't have an appetite for tteobokki though. All he wanted his friend back. But since it'd be rude to decline the payment, he tried to make the best of it.

"Have you been watching any new dramas?" Kyungsoo asked the convenience store lady.

Back when he had first met her, she had shared that she watched dramas all day, and knowing that Kyungsoo sung, she made it a past time to make a game out of having Kyungsoo sing her favorite OST tracks. 

"Yep. I've been watching  _Baker King_! Can you sing the song  _That Person_  to me next time you come?"

Kyungsoo nodded his head yes. "How does it go?" he asked her.

She started passionately singing a few lines. Her eyes were closed and everything. The two boys were startled at her attempt at singing. At least she was trying.

Kyungsoo and Jongin couldn't help but share a silent look, laughing internally at her attempt. As she got louder, she began using her portable fan as a microphone, so Kyungsoo nudged Jongin to get his attention. He nudged him with the arm that held the tteoboekki, which caused the saucy rice cake to fall onto the counter with a sticky thud. The scene caused them both to laugh out loud. Kyungsoo pouted at his fallen tteobeokki, but Jongin hurriedly wiped it from the counter so they wouldn't get in trouble for being messy. He then put his finger to his mouth as if to say "shh", and it seemed like old times, like they were the only ones in the world. But both boys had to run because they had a meeting to get to. Kyungsoo didn't know what it was for. Maybe it was for another project, and  in that case, Kyungsoo was dreading going through that again mainly because he probably wouldn't get to work with Jongin again. 

He stuffed his hands in his pocket when they got out of the convenience store. The sun was setting and it was getting chilly, but Kyungsoo felt warm near Jongin. He looked over at the other boy, who kept his head straight ahead. He hated seeing him like this. It wasn't the Jongin he had come to know. He was acting more like the Jongin he didn't know back then, the closed off one.

“Are you okay, Jongin? Did something happen on your trip?”

Kyungsoo's lips tightened when the other male simply shook his head.

"I'm just tired, Soo. You know how it is... Right?"

Kyungsoo didn't know. He didn't understand. He wanted to scream at him, to yell at him, to ask him to make him understand, to spell it out for him, but he didn't. He knew Jongin was lying to him. He knew it was something more than that.  _When did we both become such liars? We are terrible at it._ Kyungsoo dropped it though. He'd give him his space. He did so with every footstep he let separate them as he walked ahead.

Kyungsoo bowed as he got into the meeting space. He was kind of startled at how many people where there. There were a few people he knew, some he didn't. He waved at Junmyeon, Chanyeol, and Sehun standing over on the far side of the room. Kyungsoo expected Jongin to go over to them, but he followed Kyungsoo to stand near the back of the room. Kyungsoo wanted to pull out his cell phone and just close the world off, but he couldn't because he felt Jongin shift beside him, his cloth t-shirt brushing up against his bare arm. He looked up into the other boy's eyes to question him, but he stopped when he saw the fear and the sadness he had seen before. 

Kyungsoo couldn't stop himself from running his hand up and down Jongin's arm. He mouthed "what", but Jongin wouldn't say anything. Kyungsoo sighed. How much more could he take of this? Before he could ruminate anymore, a group of coaches and company staff walked into the room. Kyungsoo bowed along with the room of trainees.

“Hello trainees, we, the staff, have brought you all here for a special announcement. You all are proven to be exceptional trainees and after much deliberation we have decided that you all have been chosen to debut in the next boy band, EXO.”

Kyungsoo felt his breath get caught in his throat. He had to lean against the wall for support. The staff waited until the boys calmed down.

“EXO will be one of our latest innovations in that there will be two versions. There will be EXO-M, which stands for EXO-Mandarin and EXO-K, which stands for EXO-Korean. Both groups will debut at the same time and will release twin projects at the same time as well. However, EXO-M will be active in China, and EXO-K will be active here in Korea,” one of the members of management said to the group of trainees.

“There will be six of you in EXO-M and six of you in EXO-K. You will be set to debut within the next year and a half, and during that year we will be monitoring you all very closely as you prepare for your debut,” another staff member added.

“You will be moving out of your current dorms away from the other trainees within the next month and will begin officially recording and learning choreography soon after. Of course, if we think you are not fit for the group, we will replace you and you will have the choice of leaving the company or remaining a trainee,” another member of management said to the group of dumbstruck boys.

“Now, I am sure you are curious as to who will be in which group, am I right? The lineup is not set in stone and we will move you accordingly if need be. However, as of now, this is the lineup: Luhan, Yixing, Jongin, Minseok, Yushisu, and JungHun in EXO-M and Joonmyeon, Kris, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, Sehun, and Johnny in EXO-K." 

"Once again, the lineup is not set in stone, and we may replace and or switch members to other groups, but we want to begin this project as soon as possible. Therefore, you will be receiving further individual instructions at a later date. Thank you,” the staff member said before walking out of the room with the rest of the management, instructors, and coaches. 

Kyungsoo stood staring but not seeing. Was he dreaming? Was this for real? Could he get his hopes up? Could he believe in this? So many questions were running through his head despite debuting being the goal all along. He shouldn't have been shocked. Kyungsoo couldn't even react when he was pulled into a hug by Jongin. All he could do was wrap a limp arm around him, but then he heard him  against his ear drum whispering, "Congratulations, Kyungsoo," and only then did it hit him. He'd be debuting, but not with Jongin. 

Jongin would be in a different group, a different country. He knew the chances were slim to none that they'd debut together, but that didn't stop his heart from secretly wishing they would. Kyungsoo hadn't prepared for the space that would be between them. He wasn't ready. He could barely go two weeks without the male. Could he manage going without him for his whole life? And all Kyungsoo could say back was, “You too, Jongin. I’m proud of you.” 

And even though Kyungsoo couldn't find not a single word to describe how he was feeling, he couldn't let go. He didn't want to let go, not yet. He wasn't ready to only see Jongin in his memories, on the television, or maybe sometimes at the company's New Year's party. He wasn't ready to be strangers again. Kyungsoo was selfish. He knew they'd never be more than close friends, but he wasn't ready to give Jongin up all together. He wasn't ready for Jongin to share his life, his heart, with millions of fans yet. Jongin would grow up, they'd change, they'd grow apart. He didn't think he was ready for that yet.

The two boys finally let go, however, when Chanyeol, Sehun, and Junmyeon came around to congratulate them. Kyungsoo could see that they didn't know how to proceed when it came to Jongin, neither did he. So, it didn't surprise Kyungsoo when Jongin brushed his hand off his arm, and he wasn't surprised that Jongin wanted to be alone. I guess the space and distance starts now, he thought as he walked slowly back to his dorm. 

He smiled grimly when excited trainees ran pass him, excited for the chance to debut. Kyungsoo wanted to be happy too. He wanted to be with Jongin talking about how they had always dreamed of this and how they couldn't believe it was all finally coming true. He wanted to call his mom, excited that he could finally deliver the news. He wanted to call his boss and put in his resignation. But all he could do was lie in bed, a shell of who he used to be. 

What had love done to him? How did he let this happen? He was finally about to live his dream, but why didn't that matter all of a sudden? When had Jongin equaled happiness instead? Kyungsoo didn't even know he fell asleep until he was woken up by a knock on the door. He squinted as he groped around for his cell phone. It was four in the morning. He sluggishly got out of bed, trying to think of who it might be. He thought that maybe one of his roommates was locked out.

Kyungsoo made his way down the hall and turned on the light in the common room before he padded over to the door. He opened it quickly, already prepared to turn back to hop back in the bed, but one thing caught his eye. A tall, lanky figure with a swoop of dark brown hair covering one eye. Moonkyu.

 

Kyungsoo tried to conceal the shock on his face, but he was pretty sure he failed. He had only met Moonkyu one time, but because Jongin talked about him all of the time, it was like he knew him himself. Kyungsoo didn't know why he'd be  _here_  though, especially at four in the morning. He quickly looked Moonkyu over, taking in the boy's haggard look, his gaunt face, his sunken eyes.  _What happened?_

"I'm sorry for waking you. It's kind of urgent."

Kyungsoo nodded as he carded his fingers through his shiny, black hair. Fortunately, he still had his clothes on from earlier. Although he was in no mood to talk, he couldn't help but let his mind wonder to Jongin.

"What happened? Did something happen to Jongin?" Kyungsoo asked Moonkyu, his round, black eyes impossibly rounder.

Moonkyu sat down on the couch and watched Kyungsoo join him before answering.

"Yes and no."

Kyungsoo waited even though he was in no mood for games.

"First, I just want to say congratulations on the chance to debut," Moonkyu said, a small smile on his face

Kyungsoo bowed slightly and whispered a thank you before silently begging him to continue. Moonkyu looked down at his hands.

"Well, as you've probably heard, I've been a trainee here for a while, even longer than Jongin."

Kyungsoo nodded. 

"I don't know how much Jongin has told you about me, but I've been there with him from the very beginning... from the first day he walked into this place..."

Kyungsoo's heart started beating faster.  _Where is this going?_

"We've never been apart for longer than a few days in all these years. But, recently, I..."

The boy faltered and Kyungsoo recognized that look, he saw it in himself. It was...  Love. Were they more than friends, Kyungsoo thought to himself as he looked on, numb.

"I... I'm leaving... I'm leaving the company," Moonkyu said, a tone of finality in his voice even though his body looked broken.

Kyungsoo's eyes widened slightly.

"I guess I'm telling you this because I know how close you two are. He talks about you all the time, and I know you're good to him..."

Kyungsoo looked down. 

"He's changed since he's met you. He's happier, and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't jealous... but the point is that he needs you."

Kyungsoo looked up.  He didn't really knowing what to say because he had a million and one thoughts going through his head.

"But..."

"No. Listen to me. He's hurting, and he's going to need you."

Kyungsoo didn't know how to feel. He was torn between being flattered and wanting to punch Moonkyu in the face.

"Why are leaving  _me_  to clean up  _your_  mess," Kyungsoo spat out, surprised even at himself, but the look on Moonkyu's face made him want to take back his words. He saw the male across from him fighting with himself. 

"Because I want him to be happy," Moonkyu finally said softly. "And I can't make him happy like I know you can, like I know you want to..." he added, while quickly standing up and walking toward the door. 

"Wait," Kyungsoo said from where he was sitting, his face still turned toward the empty spot on the couch. "Thank you..."

"He'll be in one of the fourth floor dance studios. Take good care of him for me, will ya?"

And with that, Moonkyu left, shutting the door quietly behind him, and it was as if he had never been there at all.

_You figured me out that easily, Moonkyu? I was that obvious, huh?_


	11. Chapter 11

_trigger warning: major angst, depression, etc._

Kyungsoo lasted exactly eight days before he listened to Moonkyu and went to go see Jongin. It wasn't that he didn't believe Moonkyu, it was just that Kyungsoo was hurt and scared too. Jongin wasn't the only one in pain. When Moonkyu left that morning, Kyungsoo was so close to running straight into Jongin's arms, but then he remembered how Jongin pulled away first, so he childishly pushed Jongin away too. He told himself that if Jongin really needed him, he knew where to find him.

The tactic worked for a couple of days. Kyungsoo put on a mask and pretended nothing had ever happened. He had called his parents with the good news. He told them not to get their hopes up though because things weren't finalized yet, but Kyungsoo couldn't help the smile that crept up on his face when they congratulated him and wanted him to come home as soon as possible to celebrate. Kyungsoo felt bad that he didn't properly congratulate himself, and when he got off the phone, he let out a sigh of relief that he didn't know he was holding in. Even if he wasn't happy, he was proud of himself. He did it. He really did it.

Kyungsoo honestly didn't think he would have been debuting this soon, and unfortunately, many other trainees didn't either. Kyungsoo started hearing more and more whispers, and if it were even possible, Kyungsoo felt lonelier than he did before. He felt that space again, the one that only Jongin could fill, but he refused to give in. He went on as if nothing was wrong, but he shouldn't have been surprised when Junmyeon cornered him.

Kyungsoo was just getting back to the dorms from picking up his final check at the convenience store. He was relieved that he didn't have to go back, didn't have to hide that part of his life anymore, but all he wanted to do was sleep. He was exhausted, heart broken, lonely. He had padded to the bedroom with a huge glass of water and had every intention of just crawling into bed and never coming out again, but he stopped when he walked in to see a concerned Junmyeon sitting on his bed, his back up against the wall.

"Come here."

Kyungsoo wanted to back out of the room. He didn't want to deal with whatever this was, but he knew he couldn't avoid it. He had been caught. Kyungsoo took a sip of his water before sitting it down on the desk on the other side of the room. He then walked slowly over to his bed and tentatively sat down on the corner. His hands were shaking, so he grabbed a loose thread on his sleeve and pulled on it. He had never seen Junmyeon like this before.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about," Kyungsoo replied. Yes, he was going to play that game.

"Come on, Soo. I know something is up. I've been your roommate going on a year now. I know when something is wrong. Spill it."

Kyungsoo didn't want to give in so easily. He was tired of people telling him what to do. The company, his boss, his parents, Moonkyu, and now Junmyeon. He wasn't a kid. He could handle himself.

"Nothing is wrong, Hyung. Please, can I just go to bed? I'm tired... I've had a long day," Kyungsoo said, still trying to get out of whatever Junmyeon had planned.

"No, you're going to talk to me. If we are going to be working together in a group, I need to know what's up. I'm not here to fight with you, Kyungsoo. I'm on your side."

Kyungsoo looked down, ashamed. He knew Junmyeon's intentions were good, but what was he going to say? That he fell in love with his best friend, and he thought about giving all this up if that meant having a chance with him? No, he couldn't say that. He could barely admit it to himself.

"Soo, whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm not one to judge. We've all been through some stuff. Maybe I can help. You haven't been yourself, you've barely even been going to lessons, and God knows where you disappear to most evenings. You always come back tired, but it has gotten even worst, and I can't watch you destroy yourself any longer," Junmyeon said, his words raising in intonation.

Kyungsoo looked up at Junmyeon. 

"Yes, I've noticed your little disappearing acts. I didn't want to pry, so I didn't ask, but I'm not oblivious, Soo. When I promised to be here for you, when you first came to the company, I meant it," Junmyeon finished with a smile, his words softening. "Come here." he added, patting the space next to him.

Kyungsoo hesistated but he crawled over to where Junmyeon was sitting and rested his head on his shoulder. He leaned into the older boy's warmth and closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. He sighed when he felt Junmyeon run his fingers across the back of his neck. 

"I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, Soo. You don't have to go through whatever you're going through alone. It's only going to get harder. We have to learn how to trust each other, kay?"

Kyungsoo nodded his head, burrowing himself deeper into Junmyeon's side. It's not that he didn't trust Junmyeon. He didn't trust himself. He didn't trust his heart.

"So, are you going to tell me what has been bothering you? You can say as much or as little as you want, but don't shut me out, okay? It's only the beginning."

Kyungsoo knew Junmyeon was right. Soon, he wouldn't be a normal person with normal problems. The only people who would probably understand him were other idols, so there was no use shutting himself off.

"I... I've been working a part-time job this whole time to help pay for my lessons. That's where I was going every evening," Kyungsoo confessed.

He stiffened in Junmyeon's loose embrace as he braced himself for the reaction. But one didn't come. All Junmyeon did was hum a response and continue stroking his neck.

"I just quit today, so..."

"Good for you, Soo," Junmyeon replied.

Kyungsoo knew he was wrong for thinking Junmyeon would judge him. But everyone knew how rich he was, so Kyungsoo wasn't sure, but all the older male did was just listen and wait.

"And..."

Kyungsoo waited. He really didn't want to talk about this, but maybe, just maybe, Junmyeon might understand.

"And, Jongin..."

"Yeah... You two have gotten really close, haven't you?"

Kyungsoo nodded his head. Maybe too close, he thought.

"He hasn't really been speaking to me, and I don't know what to do. I've given him his space, and it has been nearly a week since I've last talked to him, but I think things are getting worst."

Kyungsoo waited, playing with the hem of his shirt. Junmyeon was silent for a while, and Kyungsoo became nervous.

"You know what I think? I think you should go to him. Just like I came to you. Even if he still needs time, at least he'd know you're there, right?"

Kyungsoo shifted beside Junmyeon, resting his head against the cool wall. 

"He's still a kid, Kyungsoo. And I know you're only a year older, but you've lived a little, you've seen the outside world. His life began here. He doesn't know how to stand up on his own yet. It doesn't matter what he says, or what act he puts on, he's just as lonely and as lost as everyone else in this place."

 _Are you sure we'll find each other_ , Kyungsoo thought as he felt Junmyeon rub his thigh.

"You've got this, Soo. He really looks up to you. I've seen it. Trust me, I've been here a long time. He's a good kid, but he's stubborn. I know it's fustrating, but I have faith that you can help him and mend your relationship."

"To be honest, I really didn't think you were going to make it here, but you've surprised and impressed me, Kyungsoo," Junmyeon said, sliding off of the bed.

Kyungsoo looked up at him, his black, round eyes, searching Junmyeon's face.

"Go to him," Junmyeon finished with a smile while ruffling Kyungsoo's black locks of hair. "I know you want to."

 

Kyungsoo sat on his bed long after Junmyeon left, knees tucked under his chin, arms wrapped around his legs. He laid his head down. He was tired of fighting this. He did want to go to him. He  _would_  go to him.

 

When Kyungsoo woke the next morning, he was curled up in a ball, a loose blanket thrown over him by one of his roomates. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and sat up. He felt like shit, but he was on a mission. He texted Jongin asking to meet up with him. While he waited for a reply, he got in the shower. He turned the water to the hottest setting and just kind of stood there. He didn't know what mood Jongin would be in, he didn't know how to prepare a face for the face he would meet. When he finished his shower, Kyungsoo was completely red, but he felt an ounce better.

Dressing, Kyungsoo frowned when he hadn't received a text back from Jongin. He decided to go up to his dorm. He knew that they were set to move into new dorms, but maybe they hadn't moved yet. He knocked, but there was no answer. Kyungsoo sighed, leaning his head against the door as he backed up against it. He figured he'd have to go to the dance studio Moonkyu said Jongin would be in. Kyungsoo became a bit angry as he walked to the dance studio. He couldn't help but hate Moonkyu a little bit. He knew Moonkyu had to do what was right for himself, but how could he leave Jongin like that?

 

Kyungsoo wasn't familiar with the dance building, but he found the elevators and pushed the number four for the fourth floor. When the elevators opened, a chill ran down Kyungsoo's spine. He checked the number above the elevator, and it was definitely the fourth floor, but why did it feel so cold? Why was it so dark? He hesitated to walk down the hall, all of the doors closed, all of the lights off. He was scared. But if this is what he had to do to reach Jongin, he would do it.

He walked down the hallway, counting the numbers until he reached the second studio, the light shining through the frosted door. Kyungsoo stood there for a moment. He didn't hear anything. He didn't know why, but he became more afraid. Maybe Jongin hurt himself, maybe he was... No, he couldn't think like that, he thought as he gathered the courage to knock timidly on the door. 

Kyungsoo jumped when he heard a click. He tried the door knob. Locked. He tried to at least be grateful that Jongin was in there. That he was alive, but he couldn't help but be hurt that he locked him out.

"Jongin?" he called out softly. 

He could see the shadow behind the frosted glass.

"Jongin, please, let me in...," Kyungsoo begged.  _Please? I'll be good. I promise._

Kyungsoo heart broke when he saw the silhouette slide down the door. Jongin was still broken. Kyungsoo stood there, debating what to do. He wished he wouldn't have waited so long to check on Jongin. This was partially his fault, he thought as he nibbled on his lip. Jongin probably thought that he didn't care and that he had abandoned him. Eventually he decided to join the male on the floor. He could come to where Jongin was. He wasn't afraid anymore.

Kyungsoo leaned against the cool glass, and even though that was all that was seperating them, Kyungsoo felt miles away. He wanted to see, to touch, Jongin so bad it hurt. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and began to sing the first song that came to his mind. It was called  _Expectations_  by Na Yoon Kwon. It was Kyungsoo's absolute favorite song, and he sung it every time he felt stressed or sad. 

_"I'm afraid. I'm not a strong person. I'm afraid because I'm nothing without you. You know that I only embrace and know you in my heart..."_

Kyungsoo felt the boy on the other side sobbing, and he wanted to reach through the glass, but all he could do was reach him with his voice.

_"You know that you are the only one I have. Like the day you became my everything, and I held you and we laughed and cried, let me love you like that again..."_

Kyungsoo's heart broke, but he continued to sing until he felt the warmth through the door, and sleep overtook them both. When he woke, the shadow was still there, and Kyunsoo wanted to stay by it forever, but he had a vocal lesson that he couldn't miss since he had been missing so much already, but that didn't mean his heart and thoughts weren't with Jongin all day. And as soon as he had finished his lessons, he ran back home, back to Jongin.

Kyungsoo knocked softly on the same door as yesterday, the lights still bright. He missed Jongin so much. Why was he doing this to him, to himself? Kyungsoo couldn't help the tear that slipped down his cheek as he leaned his forehead against the now cool glass. His lip trembled as he tried to even his breathing. He slid down the door once more.

"Jongin, why are you doing this to yourself?" he whispered into the glass. "You don't have to open the door if you don't want to, Jongin. I'm going to be here regardless, but please, if you could just come to the door... at least come to the door. Let me know you're okay."  _Let me know you're still there._

Kyungsoo internally sighed as the shadow approached. Jongin slid down the door and turned to the side. Kyungsoo mirrored the position, putting a thin hand to the frosted glass, spreading his fingers. He couldn't help the smile when Jongin did the same, so, Kyungsoo began singing like yesterday, the same song. And he did the same thing tomorrow, and he vowed to do it again the next day if he had to. He would do it forever until Jongin came back to him.

Kyungsoo was confident as he walked down the hallway, the dark didn't scare him anymore. He had brought a tray of food, hoping, praying that he could at least persuade Jongin to eat. He brought him his favorite foods too, so maybe they could eat together. When Kyungsoo arrived at the door, he stopped. It was open. He knocked, but when he didn't get a reply, he pushed the door completely open, afraid, but eager to see inside.

What he saw broke his heart. Jongin was huddled against a wall, hunched over, broken. It was worse than he had imagined, and even though it stung that Moonkyu was the cause of all this heartache, it made Kyungsoo feel a bit better that maybe he could be the one to heal Jongin. He could be the one to make him smile again. Kyungsoo approached slowly, scared he might be shooed away, but when Jongin didn't object, he came closer. He saw how gaunt and pale Jongin had become, his hair a mop atop his head. Jongin wouldn't turn and look at him, but that was okay. Being let in was more than what he asked for. He crouched and sat the tray down.

"Jongin, thanks for letting me in. If you don't want to talk to me or look at me, it's okay. I'm not going to force you, but will you listen to me? There's so much I want to tell you," Kyungsoo said, as he slid the tray closer to Jongin. "I've brought you some food too. I know it's not the best, but I'd really like it if you could eat some of it."

Kyungsoo sat down all the way. He could see Jongin's puffy eyes, his bottom lip raw from biting it, and Kyungsoo wanted to cry. But to keep from doing so, Kyungsoo talked, and he talked, just like the first time they talked on the bench in the park. He talked about everything and nothing at the same time, and finally Jongin turned to him slightly. The tiny action made Kyungsoo's heart swell. 

"Also, you know what else?" Kyungsoo asked, scooting closer to the huddled male. "I miss you…"

He saw Jongin close his eyes. Kyungsoo wasn't afraid to say that he missed him this time. 

"It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself, Jongin. You're so strong, Jongin. it's true," he continued. "But, if this is what you want to do, I'll still be here. You can shut me out of your heart if you want to, that I won't force you to keep open because I know it hurts, but don't shut me out of your presence, please? I'll come back for as many nights as I have to, as many nights as I want to,"  Kyungsoo said, slowly bringing a soft hand to Jongin's back.

He pulled back when he felt Jongin flinch. It hurt, but he would keep trying for as long as he had to.

"I hope that you know you'll be okay. Whatever decision you make, whether it is to leave the company or stay, I'll support you, and I'll understand you," Kyungsoo said.  _It would hurt so bad if you left, but I just want you to be happy._ "I'll miss you, but I'll wish the very best for you, and I want you to at least know that before you go," Kyungsoo finished, rubbing wide circles onto Jongin's back.

He was startled when Jongin began to lean into the touch, but he was glad. Maybe they could do this. Maybe they would make it out together. After what seemed like an eternity, Kyungsoo spoke up.

"Come back with me?" 

He didn't expect an answer, but when Jongin slowly nodded and allowed Kyungsoo to lift him up, Kyungsoo fell in love a little more. Jongin was braver than he ever could be. He helped Jongin clean up the studio, and he walked Jongin back to the dorm. The dorm was empty, them having moved into new dorms a few days ago, but Jongin's stuff was still in his old dorm. He felt the boy tense up when they walked through the door, but he held Jongin tight to let him know that he was there for him.

Kyungsoo was tired, but he helped Jongin prepare for bed. He watched as Jongin laid down, and he tucked in the covers a little. When he went to walk away, Kyungsoo's eyes widened as he felt Jongin's grip on his arm tighten. He turned to see Jongin, eyes wide, pleading with him not to leave. Kyungsoo immediately reassured him that he wasn't going anywhere, and he sat on the floor next to the bed.

"I promise I'll be here in the morning." 

And Kyungsoo vowed to be there in the morning, and the next day, and the next day after that. He began to sing, since that seemed to relax the younger male, and soon enough, he too was fast asleep.

 

Kyungsoo woke a few hours later, his back stiff and throat entirely too dry. He got up softly and made his way to the kitchen. He sighed as he took a look around the empty place. He wondered who would come to take their place. He ran himself a large cup of water and drank it slowly, thinking about what happened the past couple of days. Kyungsoo didn't know how he managed to do half the things he did. He thought back to when he was on the verge of disliking Jongin and laughed because of how different things were now. He sighed as he emptied his glass and sat it in the sink.

Walking over to the worn couch, Kyungsoo went to move Jongin's stuff that he brought from studio onto the floor when all of his belongings fell out of the opened backpack.  _Shit,_  Kyungsoo quietly cursed into the air as he went to pick everything up, but he stopped when he saw what had been scattered all over the floor. There were pages and pages of paper filled to the brim with words, and there was also what appeared to be a journal splayed out underneath the mess as well. Kyungsoo was shocked. Jongin didn't seem like the type of person to write. 

He didn't want to pry and decided to just gather everything up and stuff it back into the backpack as if nothing had ever happened, but when Kyungsoo saw his initials on one of the papers, he couldn't help himself. What Kyungsoo read had his heart beating stronger than it ever had before, had his eyes stinging to keep from tearing up, and had the lump in his throat threatening to suffocate him.

> Is this what love is?
> 
> Is love made up of raven colored eyes that rivel starry rural skies?
> 
> Is love made up of a constellation of pied twin moles on alabaster skin?
> 
> Is love his smile on a rainy day? Or is it the way he sings in the dark?
> 
> Or is it his hands, his lips, him...
> 
> Is this what love is?
> 
> Is love KS?
> 
> -JI

Kyungsoo read it over and over again. Is this what Jongin had been struggling with? Kyungsoo felt faint. All this time, he though Jongin was lovesick over Moonkyu, but could Jongin also be lovesick over him? Kyungsoo sat the paper down beside him as he leaned up against the foot of the couch. Why didn't he see this coming? Even though he wished from the bottom of his heart Jongin felt the same about him, why did he want to cry?

_Why couldn't one of us be stronger?_

Kyungsoo picked up another paper, and another, and he couldn't stop his heart from trying to claw its way out of his chest onto the lines, to scream out yes, yes, yes, to Jongin's heart. Kyungsoo was elated. He was in disbelief. He was afraid. 

He curled up beside Jongin's papers. He flipped through the journal, and although he felt bad for reading something so personal and private, he couldn't stop. He felt like Jongin was talking to him, calling out to him. He closed his eyes after he read Jongin's dreams about him, about them in open spaces, and he followed the traces of Jongin's heart from page to page, and he couldn't help the tear that fell on one of the most recent pages, fragments of something larger than themselves.

> I wish I could be with you all of the time.
> 
> When I've fallen, when I'm dragging myself along the dance floor
> 
> tired, broken, lonely,
> 
> I think of you, and I can get up again. 
> 
> I feel like I'm at home with you.
> 
> Right here, right now.
> 
> JI
> 
> P.S. I love you

Kyungsoo traced his fingers over the eight letter phrase. He didn't know he was holding his breath until his lungs were screaming for him to breathe. Kyungsoo was drunk on Jongin when he carefully packed all of Jongin's papers back into his book bag. He wanted to memorize every word, every scribble, every doodle,  every fragment of an unfinished, forbidden thought, and every confession of love, but he knew he had to give Jongin his heart back eventually.

When he finally laid down on the couch, Kyungsoo felt lighter. He didn't know what he did to deserve this. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know if it made it better or worst that he knew Jongin felt the same way about him. Couldn't one of them be oblivious? Couldn't one of them not get hurt.

Kyungsoo tossed and turned all night. He didn't know where to go from here. Obviously, Jongin was holding back, and maybe he was doing it for the same reasons Kyungsoo was holding back. But soon they'd be apart anyway, with Kyungsoo in Korea and Jongin in China. Kyungsoo was scared. He was scared to start something he knew they couldn't finish. He was scared to ruin what they had. Having a friendship was better than not having one at all.  

His mind raced as he thought about entering a relationship with Jongin. Did Jongin think about these same things and come to the conclusion that it was better to keep his feelings a secret? Could Kyungsoo go back to pretending he didn't know anything? He wasn't sure, especially when he heard Jongin calling his name from the bedroom while he was finishing up breakfast. He nearly broke down when he saw Jongin looking at him from the bed, eyes wide and lost, and only at him.

Things felt different now. Kyungsoo was on edge. Everything about Jongin was suffocating, everything effecting him more than it ever had in the past. The way Jongin looked at him, smiled at him, touched him, made him want to cry. Kyungsoo felt like he was going to explode. He was exhausted when he laid his head down on Jongin's lap, and he sighed when he felt nimble fingers card through his hair, and Jongin's warm skin brushed against the shell of his ear. He didn't want to think about just how close they were, or how they had never done this before. He needed to turn his brain off, his thoughts off, his heart off.

He needed to stop himself before he did something they both would regret.


	12. Chapter 12

It was Kyungsoo's turn to need space. He needed time to think, and he couldn't do that with Jongin around. Whenever Kyungsoo was around the other male, his mind was in a haze, and all he could hear was the rapid beating of his heart, and the voice in his head telling him to breathe. Kyungsoo thought that hearing a confession from Jongin would be a dream come true, that things would be simpler, that he would be happy. But reality never did quite live up to one's fantasies. Everything that once felt so right, now felt wrong, and, in short, it was making Kyungsoo miserable to be around the other male.

When Jongin told Kyungsoo that the company made him go home for a mandatory break, Kyungsoo all but shooed him away. He needed space to breathe. He needed space to figure his heart out. Maybe all he needed was some time apart after all that happened the past week. Kyungsoo was lying on his bunk when his phone rang. He reached over and picked it up without hesitation when he saw the number.

"Hey, how's it going?" 

"Um... It's alright. We've gotten so much more work now that we're debuting. It's keeping me busy to say the least."

"I know what you mean. Our company is trying to have us debut early next year. It has been so chaotic."

Kyungsoo nodded as if Hyunsik could see him. Chaotic. That was the perfect word to describe how he has been. He and Hyunsik hadn't had the time to sit down and talk like they used to, but just listening to the other male's voice calmed him down a bit. 

"I think we'll be debuting the same year. I'm not sure though because they might change the lineup."

"Really..."

"Yeah..."

Kyungsoo went silent. He had so much on his mind, but he couldn't say a word of it to Hyunsik. Whatever was going on between him and Jongin was his problem, his little secret. He had to figure it out by himself.

"So...," he heard Hyunsik say, cutting into his thoughts.

It was weird not having anything to say to each other, especially now that they were actually going through the same thing. Kyungsoo knew they'd probably be busy, but he didn't think they would ever drift apart.

"So, how about we go out to eat? We never did quite celebrate debuting, did we?" Kyungsoo said into the receiver. He wasn't going to let his friendship with Hyunsik deteriorate too.

"Nope! We should totally go to this new place in Insadong!"

Kyungsoo smiled. He was glad he still knew how to cheer Hyunsik up, but what he really needed was some cheering up himself, and he could count on Hyunsik for that.

 

As the week went on, Kyungsoo tried to immerse himself in his work as much as possible. Hanging out with Hyunsik was just what he needed to get his mind off of Jongin, but once he was back at the dorms, and walked past all the places they used to walk past together, the younger male was heavy on his mind.

Fortunately, he had so much to do to prepare for debut. Their classes and lessons nearly tripled. When he wasn't singing, he was learning choreography, or taking idol manner classes. Even dorm life was hectic. Kyungsoo wasn't used to living with so many distinct personalities. Of course, he still had Junmyeon to lean on, but he had to try and get along with his other roommates and soon to be group-mates as well.

So, every night they would do something together in order to be "closer" as the company had put it. Kyungsoo sometimes just wanted to be alone in his room, but he made the effort to bond and would join them without any complaints. He was just about to play his fourth round of racing against Chanyeol when he remembered that Jongin would be coming home that day. He was probably back already.

Kyungsoo wanted to believe that taking some time apart helped him think and clear his head, but it didn't. Kyungsoo had tried so hard  _not_  to consciously think about Jongin that he ended up thinking about him even more. He did everything but count the seconds until his supposed return. Why? Because there was always the possibility that Jongin wouldn't come back to the company.

Although Jongin said he was feeling better, Kyungsoo still knew the boy was hurting inside. He tried not to think about the night he saw the boy off at the bus station. He tried not to treat it as if that was the last time he might see him, but if it were, he wouldn't push the male to come back. He wanted Jongin to be happy, and if that meant being apart and moving on, Kyungsoo told himself that he would have to learn to live with that.

But, he had to know. He couldn't keep distracting himself forever. So, before he began the next round of videogames, Kyungsoo sent out a text asking Jongin if he was back and if he could see him. Not even a minute later, Kyungsoo heard the beep on his cell phone. When he finished the round against Chanyeol (He lost. Again), he excused himself to his room. He couldn't stop his heart from fluttering when he saw the name  _Jongin-shi_ pop up on his screen.

> Yea, I'm back. Come on up. I'm still upstairs.

Kyungsoo was so relieved that Jongin came back. He wasted no time changing and was able to make a quick exit, despite his roommates' cries of protest. Kyungsoo didn't wait for the elevator. He nearly ran up the four flights of steps, his black hair bouncing slightly as he took each staircase by two. When he reached the floor, his chest was heaving slightly, and so, he waited a moment to calm down before knocking.

Kyungsoo smoothed his shirt as he waited, and even when the door opened to reveal the man who was always on his mind, Kyungsoo was convinced nothing could have prepared him for the sight. Jongin still looked the same, except he had his hair trimmed, and Kyungsoo couldn't help but pull the other male into a hug. 

That night they laid sprawled on the hardwood floor, talking about everything and nothing all at once. It felt like old times, and Kyungsoo was grateful for that. He just wanted to forget about the realities of their relationship even if it were only for one night. Kyungsoo was glad that Jongin was smiling again. Being at home seemed to have cheered him up, so Kyunsoo hoped that Jongin could find a way to move on and live the dream he so desperately worked for because then it gave Kyungsoo the strength to do the same. If Jongin could do it, so could he.

 

But before Kyungsoo could even remember things between them were different, both boys got swept up into the idol machinery. In three months, they only spoke a handful of times. It was painful for Kyungsoo to see Jongin living his own life, working on his own things, but debut was right around the corner, and there was no time for child's play and playground crushes. This was their life.

Plus, Kyungsoo got the feeling that Jongin was avoiding him again. It was hard to tell because they were so busy, but not once did he run into the male at the dorms even though they lived closer than they had before. Even when Sehun and Chanyeol had told him that Jongin stopped by, Kyungsoo realized that he had always missed him by a few minutes.

He tried not to let it get to him. Kyungsoo tried not to let a lot get to him, but when he couldn't do his vocal runs like he used to or when his vocal coach yelled at him for the upteenth time because of his inconsistency, it got to him. At first he thought it was just due to the stress of trying to prepare for debut, but when he woke up one morning and could barely recognize his own voice, he knew something was wrong.

Kyungsoo immediately notified the company, and they made him an emergency appointment with one of their in-house doctors. Kyungsoo was nervous, hoping that it was nothing serious, but when the doctor kept feeling his neck, and they inserted a tube to take a picture of his vocal chords, Kyungsoo was sure it wasn't something as simple as a sore throat.

"It looks like due to improper use of the throat and neck muscles over a long period of time, you've developed vocal nodules," the doctor said, pointing to the picture of his throat.

Kyungsoo couldn't believe this. As a singer, he had heard all about vocal nodules, and he had tried everything in his power to prevent it. So, he blamed it on the demands of the company, especially now that they had been practicing their debut song, titled  _MAMA,_  nonstop. The song had put Kyungsoo's voice to the test like never before.

"We suggest you undergo vocal therapy for a few months, and then we'd like to see you again."

Kyungsoo didn't have a few months. They were set to start recording their album as soon as the lineup was finalized, which could be any day. Kyungsoo couldn't stop the voice in his head from telling him that maybe he wasn't meant to be a singer. Things were becoming too hard, too complicated, and maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

Kyungsoo left the doctor's office in a daze, and before he knew it, he was at the fourth floor dance studio. He hadn't even realize where he was going until he had already knocked on the door, and Jongin was pulling him towards him. It was Kyungsoo's turn to cry. He felt himself ball Jongin's shirt up in his hands as he held on for dear life.

"It hurts, Jongin. I can't...," Kyungsoo said, eyes watery as he pulled back to look in Jongin's eyes.

Kyungsoo didn't know if he was talking about his throat or whatever was going on between of them, but all he knew was that he couldn't take whatever it was anymore.

"They keep pushing me, and I don't know if...," Kyungsoo broke off, his voice hoarse, as he pulled away from Jongin. "They say it's vocal cord nodules... I want to go home, Jongin." 

Kyungsoo didn't know if he wanted to go home or not. All he wanted was for this to stop. For all the pain and struggling to be over. He looked in Jongin's eyes, waiting for something, anything. Kyungsoo wanted Jongin to tell him that'd he'd be okay, that they would get through this, that he'd be there for him. He wanted Jongin to want him to stay.

"Leave then." 

Jongin's voice was cold, uncaring, unlike anything Kyungsoo had ever heard before, and it cut straight to his core. He was at a lost, and the two boys just stood there staring at each other.

"Get Out!" Jongin yelled into the silence.

Kyungsoo snapped. He was surprised he hadn't snapped sooner. After all they had been through, after all Jongin had put him through, this was how he would repay him? What happened to being in love with me, what happened to being at home with me? Was it just some phase for you, some hormonal imbalance and now you're done? Kyungsoo's thoughts were racing. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't even cry. 

"I should have known..." Kyungsoo said out loud, even though it was more to himself than to Jongin.  "Whatever, Jongin," he continued, walking past the stunned male. "I'm tired of being a replacement for Moonkyu anyway."  

And Kyungsoo knew he shouldn't have gone there. He knew it was such a dirty low blow, a lie even, but he was tired of hurting, he was tired of fighting, he was tired of looking stupid, and he was tired of being the only one suffering for the both of them.

Kyungsoo was giving up.


	13. Chapter 13

Kyungsoo silenced his phone for the seventh time that day. The company could not accept the fact that he wanted to quit, but Kyungsoo was serious. He had told his parents everything about his vocal condition, and they were horrified enough to accept his decision to come back home. For the first couple of weeks Kyungsoo was happy to be home. He lost himself in books and movies, and he pretended that everything was okay. He'd help his mom around the house and go fishing with his father on the weekend. He tried to go back to being the Kyungsoo  he used to be, the Kyungsoo who wasn't a trainee at Korea's top company, the Kyungsoo who wasn't in love.

But after a month, Kyungsoo couldn't hide from himself anymore. He didn't know what he was doing anymore. He stopped helping around the house, he stopped going out with his father, he stayed in his room and sighed a million times before going to bed to do it all over again tomorrow. Kyungsoo was lost without a purpose. When his phone rang again, Kyungsoo nearly tore out his battery. But he stopped prying the back off when he saw the number.  _Junmyeon Hyung_. Kyungsoo didn't want to talk to Junmyeon, but he thought he might explode if he didn't talk to _someone_.

"Hello?" he asked softly into the receiver.

"Kyungsoo? This is Junmyeon. Are you okay?"

Kyungsoo remained silent.

"Look, I'm not here to try and make you come back. You're my friend. I want to know how you're doing?"

Kyungsoo paused, but spoke up.

"I'm doing okay..."

It was a lie. He didn't know how he was feeling. All he had been doing for the past month was running and hiding from himself and the world.

"Are you sure? You don't sound okay..."

"Yeah, I just... I... don't know anymore..."

Junmyeon was silent before speaking up.

"It's okay. Sometimes we just have to figure things out by ourselves. No one can live our lives for us, so if you're happy with your decision, then good for you, Soo."

Kyungsoo wasn't happy though. He was hurting here at home just as much as he was at the company.

"Yeah... I guess you're right."

"If you do choose to come back, Soo. You always have a place in the group. You know that, right?"

"Thanks, Hyung. But maybe being there isn't for me," he replied, twirling a loose thread on his comforter with his fingers. 

"I honestly can't believe you're saying this to me. Do you know how many people would kill to be in your spot. You have one of the shortest training periods, and you're saying that you don't think this is for you?"

Junmyeon paused to let Kyungsoo comprehend what he was saying.

"Do you know how hard it is for someone like me? Someone who has been training for almost seven years, and is still there? Do you think I don't hear the whispers, the taunting behind my back about how I can't take a hint and need to stop wasting my parent's money? Do you know how many trainees are my friend only because I have money? Even some of the coaches have stopped taking me seriously and have given up on me. If anyone should be giving up, it should be me, right?"

Kyungsoo was in shock. He had never thought to put himself in Junmyeon's shoes.

"But I'm still here, aren't I? And so are many other trainees who probably won't ever get the chance to debut. If it's your dream, you have to fight to protect it. Don't let anyone take it away from you. If you want to leave, do it because  _you_  want to. Don't do it because the company is making it hard for you or whatever. Leave on your own terms."

Kyungsoo couldn't stop the tears from gathering in the corner of his eyes. 

"But... It hurts... It's too hard...," he said, trailing off.

"Then you push through until it doesn't hurt anymore. Running and hiding doesn't make it go away, Soo. It doesn't make it any easier."

Kyungsoo swallowed thickly. Junmyeon was right. 

"You deserve a break, Soo. But you also deserve to debut. You might not get another chance. Remember that."

"Thanks, Hyung. I'm sorry for worrying you."

"I'm here for you, Soo. We're in this together. Call me if you need me, okay?"

 

When Junmyeon hung up, Kyungsoo sobbed. Everything hurt. He felt everything he had tried to push down, and it consumed him in that moment. He wanted to be a singer, he wanted to debut. He wanted it so bad it hurt. He thought about what Junmyeon had said, and Kyungsoo felt bad for giving up a spot so easily, a spot that Junmyeon had been working six hard, long years for. 

Kyungsoo looked around. He was reminded of how he used to sing and dance around his room fantasizing about being a singer. He smiled as he looked at the trophy he won when he participated in the singing contest that got him noticed by the company. He then walked over to his bookshelf and fondly touched the picture of him with the  _Heavenly voices_ members. He looked at Hyunsik who had his arm around him. How could he let all the countless conversations they used to have about singing and debuting become meaningless?

And then Kyungsoo thought about Jongin when he sat at his desk scrolling through his phone's gallery. He thought about their rollercoaster of a relationship, about just how much it terrified and thrilled him at the same time. He thought about how much he changed because of Jongin, and how much Jongin opened up and trusted him.  He had vowed to be strong for both of them. He couldn't give up. He couldn't let Jongin think of him like that. Even if he had to hide his feelings forever, Kyungsoo would never give Jongin up. He couldn't. Jongin had come to mean so much to him, and he couldn't let all of that be in vain. He wanted to be someone Jongin could look up to and be proud to have known and loved. He didn't want Jongin to forget him.

That night, Kyungsoo announced to his parents that he was going back to the company. He packed his belongings one more time and notified the company that he would return. To his relief, they welcomed him back with open arms, and all he had to do was come to the office and fill out some papers.

 "Glad your back, Hyung!" Chanyeol was heard yelling when Kyungsoo walked through the door.

Kyungsoo smiled a bit bashful, a bit embarrassed, but he let Chanyeol pull him into a hug.

"You owe me a bubble tea, Hyung! Told you he'd be back." Sehun said, sauntering into the common room.

Chanyeol chuckled bashfully, shooting an apologetic look Kyungsoo's way. Kyungsoo punched Chanyeol in the arm to lighten the mood.

"You thought I wouldn't come back, huh!?" he said in as menacing a voice he could muster.

Chanyeol then turned his attention to Sehun who was laughing at him, and Kyungsoo grabbed the chance to slip out of the room unnoticed. He went back to his old room, and he wasn't surprised to see Junmyeon in there, as if he was waiting for him. Kyungsoo pulled Junmyeon into a silent hug. When they finally pulled apart, Junmyeon ruffled his hair.

"I'll leave you to get settled okay?"

Kyungsoo nodded as he watched the door close. He unpacked his things, and took a quick shower before heading to the the company building.  When Kyungsoo opened the glass doors and stepped outside the dorm, a wave of nostalgia washed over him. He had walked those same streets for almost two years, and he had never felt at home... until today. This was where he belonged.

 

"We're glad to have you back, Kyungsoo," said the man on the other side of the table.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Kyungsoo said apologetically while fidgeting a bit in the plush leather seat.

"We hope not because we have finalized the groups, and you have been chosen for the final lineup."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened. 

"We just need for you to look over the updated contract and sign some papers."

Kyungsoo nodded. He was numb.

"Since the line-up has changed, we will be working really hard to re-record and finalize choreography, etc. The groups are set to debut within the next year or so. So, we really need you on board. We need your commitment 100%."

Kyungsoo looked the staff member in the eye, and with a stern voice replied,

"I'm here to stay."

"Good. So, you're still in EXO-K, but we've switched out Johnny and Kris for Byun Baekhyun, a fellow vocal trainee, and Kim Jongin, a dance trainee."

Kyungsoo's heart stopped for a moment. He and Jongin were going to be in the same group? He swallowed thickly as the staff member explained parts of the contract. When the meeting was over, Kyungsoo sat outside the company for a few minutes. He couldn't let his feelings for Jongin ruin him. He had to get them under control. 

When he got to the dorm, he decided to text the younger male, asking him to meet him on the roof. He couldn't be afraid to face Jongin or his feelings for him if he were going to be working with him.  He'd let Jongin have the ball, and he would accept whatever the younger male wanted him to do. When six o'clock rolled around, Kyungsoo  walked across the roof and sat where he sat the first time he met Jongin. He thought back to nearly a year ago. So much had happened and changed since then. Kyungsoo almost couldn't believe it.

When Kyungsoo heard the metal door open, he knew Jongin would be behind him in less than ten seconds. He took a deep breath, stood, and turned around. His breath hitched in the cold air, and for a moment he wished he could freeze time.  He watched the male walk toward him, his head down, his dark brown hair covering his eyes, and Kyungsoo had to turn back around. He was the same Jongin he had fallen for so long ago. He wasn't ready for the silent ultimatum he would give the male.

"Jongin..."

Kyungsoo turned to see that Jongin still had his head down.

"Jongin, looked at me..."

Kyungsoo watched the younger male lift his head, his eyes round and sad. Kyungsoo just wanted things to be good between them again. 

"What am I to you?" Kyungsoo asked, looking Jongin in the eye.

Everything would depend on his answer. Kyungsoo's heart was in his throat. He waited as Jongin struggled to answer. He continued searching the younger's face.  _Say it. Please._

"You're someone that is really special to me." 

Kyungsoo waited as the male struggled to look him in the eye.

"You're someone that I love being around, and I see you as one of my best friends."

What was left of Kyungsoo's heart dropped. He bit his lip to bite back his tears, and he pursed his lips.  _If that's what you want Jongin, I could be that. I could be that for you. I promise._

"You know you hurt me that night in the dance studio. You hurt me when you pushed me away. I came to you for some warmth and..."

Kyungsoo turned back to the cityscape. If he looked at Jongin any longer, he might plead with the male to change his mind. To consider being something more.

"I trusted you, Jongin. I really did... and I even hated you for a while, you know that?" Kyungsoo asked as he gathered the courage to turn back toward Jongin.

"Well, I tried to hate you, Jongin. I really did. But, you know what? I couldn't let you go. There's just something about you that has me coming back to you, it's always you, Jongin. And so, I came back to the company. Not for you, but you were a part of why I came back because I looked at what you've been through, and I told myself that I could be strong like you. You're something else, you know that...?"

Kyungsoo had moved right in front of the slightly taller male and fought against the urge to tell him everything. His eyes roamed the other's face, the face that had been in almost every dream of his, awake and sleeping. He brought the male into a tight embrace.

"I missed you. I missed you so much despite everything and you know what? Some things have to fall apart before they can be put properly back together... to be  _brought_ back together, again, and I want us to be friends again Jongin. I really do."  _If you want to be friends, then I want that for you too._

Kyungsoo didn't want to pull away, so he rested his forehead against the younger male's. He wanted to kiss Jongin so bad, he wanted Jongin so much it hurt, but he didn't want to break the trust that Jongin had in him. He had promisd he'd be good.

"We are so weird...," Kyungsoo said, finally breaking apart, and swinging his arms as he moved across the roof. Kyungsoo couldn't let Jongin see him cry. Not anymore.

 

Kyungsoo steeled his heart for the coming years to come. He didn't know where he'd be even a year for now, but he hoped he'd still have Jongin by his side.

He knocked on the wooden door in front of him, and peeked in when he heard a reply telling him to come in.

"Are you okay? Got everything settled?" Kyungsoo asked, entering the room.

Jongin smiled, nodding his head. Kyungsoo walked over to the bed when he saw the other male pat the spot beside him.

He startled when Jongin laid his head on his shoulder, but he relaxed his heart as best he could.

"I'm hungry. The convenience store lady gave me some Kimchi. Can you make me some Spagettchi?" Jongin asked, trying puppy dog eyes on  Kyungsoo.

"What a way to ruin the moment, Jongin. Every time I think you're going to say something touching, you disappoint me," Kyungsoo joked.  _I'm just kidding. I won't expect anything more. Anymore. I'm thankful for just this._

He shoved Jongin in the shoulder as he stood up and put his best face on.

"But I wouldn't have you any other way," he continued, pushing Jongin's head away playfully.

And it was true. Kyungsoo would love Jongin no matter what. It was a fact he had to accept. That he was glad to accept. He wouldn't have wanted to be in love with anyone else. 

"One spagettchi coming up!" Kyungsoo said, walking out of the room.

He went to the kitchen to gather the materials for Jongin's meal. He hummed  _Lucky_  by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat as he mixed the ingredients together. For once, Kyungsoo felt happy. He might not have had it all, but he had enough to carry him over. As long as he had Jongin by his side, he could get through whatever. Kyungsoo called Jongin into the kitchen as he began plating the food. When he heard the male's graceful footsteps as he walked down the hallway, he smiled.

"Don't just stand there. Aren't you hungry?" 

That night, Kyungsoo laid wide awake in bed. He took out his phone and scrolled through the gallery. He stopped on one picture he took what seemed like forever ago. It was the first page in Jongin's journal that he saw. He re-read the text on the page even though he had read it a million times over since that night.

When he got to the bottom of the picture, he smiled.

> _P.S., I love you **\--too**_

Kyungsoo looked at his neat handwriting next to Jongin's messier handwriting. He did love Jongin, and even if he never got to say it out loud, he got to say it in his journal. Close enough.

He closed out of his gallery and sat his phone beside him.  So, this is where it all ends, he thought. No, he corrected himself. 

_This is where it all begins._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading P.S. Kyungsoo. If you haven't already, you can read Kai's POV called Sincerely, Kai! SK is way longer and more in depth, but follows the same timeline. A sequel will be coming soon as well! Until then, I appreciate you reading, I hope you enjoyed, and if you did, I'd love to hear about it! -appeuro


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